Christina Perri weighs in on feeling like she ‘had to disassociate’ from her daughter’s birth to survive the trauma of losing her first
The singer broke everything down during her appearance on the Informed Pregnancy podcast.
There, she wore her heart on her sleeve and talked at length about her 2020 miscarriage and history with pregnancy loss.
She even offered some insight into the birth of her rainbow baby, whom she conceived shortly after losing her first to miscarriage.
For those unversed, her daughter Pixie’s unborn sibling was lost during the third trimester.
She began by taking a trip down memory lane and addressing her ‘high strung’ emotions during NICU days.
She claimed, “I was already a part of the miscarriage club, and then I became a part of the stillborn club, and now I'm a part of the NICU mom club. And I honestly just want to stop joining clubs.”
“I really just want to coast a little, and stop being so enlightened, and stop being given these experiences to grow, you know. I just want to chill for a second.”
At that time, even Perri’s doula (birthing aide) was unavailable, leaving her and husband Paul Costabile alone to ‘lean onto each other’ for support.
Recalling her emotions at the time, Perri claimed, “I was so disappointed and upset. Poor Paul because he didn't plan on being my support person. I mean, obviously, he planned on being in the room, but we were like so ready to do this with Setha, and me, and him, and just this other vibe. And I kept crying because my birthing ball, I didn't bring it because I thought the hospital would have one, and they didn't have a birthing ball.”
“I just kept crying because it wasn't what I wanted. And then, I was texting my mom group — I think I mentioned before how paramount my mom friends are in our group chat — and they're going, 'Christina, you're not upset about the birthing ball. You're traumatized. You're about to have a baby. You're scared she's not alive. This is not about the birthing ball.'”
“And I'm like, 'No, it's about the birthing ball. I need my birthing ball.' Because I thought I was going to labor longer without the epidural, or I thought I wasn't going to take any drugs. And then, here I am on fentanyl.”
Due to this, even the happiness of meeting Pixie was met ‘feelings of loss and disassociation’.
“I wanted to be squatting. I was on my back. I'm telling you, every single thing I wanted to do, I didn't do or didn't go my way. I definitely wanted to get up and get on all fours, but I had the IV in my hand because my veins burst. I just want you to imagine, just like a sitcom at this point. Everything that hopefully was going to go well just didn't.”
“And I was going along with it, like I said, I didn't disassociate in the most unhealthy way, I just sort of let go. Because I couldn't hold on ... I had two options, so I just went with it. And all of its bad vibes. I just didn't like the vibe.”
But “The body remembers. I was in that memory and in that triggered state of, 'The last time I did, this my daughter was dead.'”
“The joy someone should feel when they take the baby out and give the baby to you, I didn't feel it. I was terrified. I mean, I don't think I was breathing. I don't know when I breathed, honestly. And Paul was hysterical. He was trying so hard not to be hysterical, by the way. He's holding my leg, and he's in my face, and he's crying.”
“And I hardly remember it because you know I'm also terrified. And I just want it to be over. I just want it to be over. I just want it to be over. I think I pushed so freaking hard and fast because I just wanted it to be over.”
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