If everyone knows what a healthy relationship looks like in theory, why do a large number of people still struggle to have one? Skills that assist in the establishment and maintenance of a healthy relationship are insight, mutuality and emotional regulation. Most people, including researchers, believe that the key to a healthy relationship lies in intimacy, security, respect and the sense of being valued. On the other hand, things like fighting, not being able to find comfort and solace in your partner, contempt and violence lead to an unhealthy relationship and can cause the end of a relationship or divorce and in some cases physical and emotional sickness. The problem lies in the fact that not many people have an idea on how to get into a healthy relationship since they’re not taught about it at a young age. Counseling is usually done either when it’s too late in the cases of couples’ therapy or when they are about to get married, which is still too late. It’s because people have already selected the person they're going to commit their whole life to.
According to Joanne Davila and her colleagues, three skills —- insight, mutuality and emotional regulation —- can help build a sturdy relationship and avert an unhealthy one. Insight is about awareness and the ability to gain an accurate and deep understanding of someone or something. With the help of insight, a person would have a better idea about who he is, what he wants and why he does what he does. It helps a person know his partner better. With insight, one will be able to anticipate the positive and negative aspects and consequences of one’s behavior. One will learn from one’s mistakes and will be able to behave differently in future.
The second skill to a healthy relationship is mutuality. Mutuality is a positive, interactive relationship between people. It is about knowing that people in a relationship have needs and that both of them matter equally. It helps a person direct his needs in a clear way that makes his or her partner understand them easily.
With mutuality, a person will be willing to fulfil a partner's needs as well. Furthermore, it helps in making decisions in a relationship.
The third skill is emotional regulation. It is the capability to exert control over one’s own emotional state. It involves behaviour such as rethinking a situation to reduce anger or anxiety. With emotional regulation, one will be able to keep one’s emotions at bay and keep things that happen in a relationship in perspective. One will be able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. In this way, one will be able to make decisions in a clearer way. One will be able to maintain a sense of self-respect and commitment to one’s needs even when something bad happens in a relationship.
Consequently, we can say that the ability of people to use these skills on a day-to-day basis helps them in having a healthy relationship. But at the end of the day, we may know what a healthy relationship looks like, but most people don’t know how to get one. This problem can only be solved by genuinely knowing what we want in a relationship, finding the right partner and dealing with the challenges and problems that a relationship brings. This can be done by building and using the three skills.
—Qandeel Niazi
(The writer is a student of Kinnaird College)
