From difficult to easy

Has there been a time when you have hesitated to have an important conversation with your boss, a colleague, or loved one?

Why was that? Were you afraid of their reaction? Would they become upset, or angry? We often avoid conversations where we fear the other person’s reaction. It’s okay to let things lie for a while, but we risk our own emotions when we do this.

What if our own resentment builds up? Then it’s inevitably going to come out in a fit of anger. It’s best to have those difficult conversations, and there are strategies to make it easier on everyone concerned, so let’s take a look at what they are.

The first strategy is to choose the right time. The ‘right’ time for them might be different than what you imagine. For example, you might think that your spouse is relaxed if he’s watching TV at home, but it may be that he’s reflecting on a big issue at work, or doing something on his laptop. It’s key to pick the right time, and it’s definitely a good idea to ask the person concerned to allot that time when it’s convenient to him or her.

Whether it’s your boss, or your spouse, ask them what works for them, and then schedule the time accordingly.

The second strategy is to prepare for the conversation. Reflect on what you want out of the conversation; after all, you are having it for a specific reason. For example, if it is an increment that you are aiming for, write this down. If it’s a change in the home environment, then document specifically what you want. The clearer you are about the end goal, the more likely you are to convey it.

Conveying your wish does not guarantee that you will get it. For example, think back to a time when someone wanted something from you; you heard them out, but did not give them what they were asking for. Your reasons were probably very valid. In the same way, the person may hear you out, and still may not be prepared to give you exactly what you want. Be prepared for this outcome. This will help you be flexible so that you can get a workable solution.

Now that you have prepared for the conversation, the third, and possibly most important, strategy is to adjust your own mindset. Remember that the other person will have his or her own point of view. It is essential that you be willing to respect a disagreement. If you are not willing to take a possible ‘no’ for an answer, then this is not the time to have the conversation. Once you can accept this possibility, then you are ready.

Express your wish as a clear request. Be sure that you use words like “I would really like it”,“I would appreciate it”, “would you consider” and so on. Once you have made your request, allow the other person to express his or her point of view. Listen and be patient. Avoid strong reactions and interruptions. Once both sides have aired themselves out, then there might be an opportunity to find a middle ground.

What if you’ve now realized that the other person holds a very different position than you do; they are not willing to grant your request. What do you do then? Do you argue, or try to convince them? Even if you do get them to agree, this will have a negative impact in the long run. Instead, the most important strategy now would be to focus on finding a win-win solution. What would be a solution that you would be okay with?

Ask the other person what their ‘win’ would be. Talk to each other to come up with a solution that you can both accept. This is a negotiation, but it is not a compromise. A compromise is when a person feels let down or disappointed. Remember, you are focusing on a ‘win’, and that means that it’s still something you want. With practice, these strategies will make those challenging conversations easy, and your relationships more fulfilling.

The writer is a life coach who works with individuals and groups.

Email: sayeda@makelifehappen.com