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By You Desk
Tue, 01, 22

I always think of my parents. How can I stop myself from doing this?

Letters

Dear Nadine,

I have four sisters and a brother. My father is in armed forces. I am doing masters. My nikah ceremony took

place in May, but ruksati is yet to be done. I don’t have a good relationship with my parents. My mom is least concerned about us. When my sister was sexually abused my mother blamed her only, and because of her attitude I did not tell her when I was sexually abused four years before my sister.

In my teenage period, I was repeatedly told that as I was not good looking, and would never be able to get a good proposal. So, I started suffering from inferiority complexes and depression. I tried to avoid going to parties, but was always forced to. My mom even thought of me as hindrance to the expected proposals for my sister. Creating fuss is my mother’s favourite hobby. Once, she made so much fuss because she had to cook for the guests that my father called us one of those sessions we are often called to. In these sessions, we are only supposed to listen to whatever they say, and not to speak a word in our defence. However, when I spoke up, my father beat me for stating my problem. This happened when I was doing graduation.

The first proposal for me was rejected because of status difference and inadequate educational qualification. The second was equivalent to mine in education but the boy was unemployed and also his father did not belong to our class, so my father refused.

Then came my husband’s proposal, guaranteed by my uncle and that satisfied my parents. His family is settled abroad and my parents made no inquiries. My husband is unemployed as he is learning the Holy Quran.

Keeping in view the above details, tell me, Nadine, am I completely wrong when I want my parents to communicate? Am I overreacting at my parents’ attitude? Are they correct? What should I do? Also, I don’t like my husband at all. I am not comfortable in establishing any relationship with my husband. How can I live with a person who is selected by my parents on the basis of a guarantee? Don’t tell me that everything will be fine with the passage of time. I need my mother’s support to help me understand how new relationships work. To get that, as a last resort, my sisters and I stopped sitting with her, which has made her very angry.

When my parents can’t give me love and respect, and call me a loser then how can I expect anything from my husband? Am I again wrong? Will God curse me for this behaviour of mine?

My parents never loved, respected and cared for each other. when we were children and used to fight over money issues and relatives, each defending their own. Can compromising make a relationship work? Is it better to leave each other or stay in relationship because of the fear of what people would say? Are my parents wrong?

When I think about my relationship with my husband, I always think of my parents. How can I stop myself from doing this?

Always Wrong

Dear Always Wrong,

Your parents did not have a stable relationship and, as a result, you and your siblings had a traumatic childhood. I can understand why you suffered in silence instead of telling telling your mother about the abuse as your mother’s attitude is very typical of most women in our society. They tend to blame the victims of abuse instead of supporting them. It was very wrong of your father to beat you, but it seems he was manipulated by your mother. Having said that, they are your parents and in their own twisted ways they care about you. Your mother’s fear of you not getting a good proposal made her say things that hurt you. A sensible mother would have boosted your morale instead of belittling you, but your mother seems to be unstable. My dear, your father rejected two proposals he deemed unsuitable. This shows he has your welfare in mind and did not accept the proposals that were unsatisfactory just to get you off his hands.

The proposal he accepted must have had some merit, or he would not have accepted it. Still, if you are not satisfied, you should talk to him and share your fears. Your nikkah has been done, but since your rukhsati is pending you can try to make your father understand your reservations.

You are not wrong when you wish for a normal relationship with your parents but you can’t change the circumstances and must do all you can to maintain peace. And, just because your parents fight doesn’t mean you and your husband will do the same. I am sure you have observed both your parents and would not repeat their mistakes. If parents have a toxic relationship, it is sometimes better for them and their children if they split, but before taking any irrevocable action the consequences should be weighed carefully. I hope you have a very happy married life and wish you best of luck.

Problems that need a solution?

You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine,

The News, Al-Rehman Building (5th Floor) I.I Chundrigar Road, Karachi.