Letters

Dear Professor,

I am a 25-year-old girl, and I work in a private firm. When I had started working, two years back, my cousin proposed to me but I declined. The reason was that my father had just retired and I wanted to support my family till my brother’s graduation. My aunt brought his proposal again few months back and since my brother has started working, my parents accepted the proposal. Initially, everything was hunky dory. We used to go out at least once a week, and I started loving him a lot. But there was this one time he asked me to have lunch with him, but I had work and couldn’t make it. He made a big deal out of it and sulked for a while. The thing is that when he invited me before that, he had to cry off because his boss didn’t release him till 10 p.m. that day, but I did not create any fuss. I understood he had work, and told him not to worry. This happened a few times, and I was very accommodating. Then his sister rang me up and accused me of ignoring him and asked me if I was serious about him or not. I told her what had happened and she said she was sorry she lost her temper with me. But I was hurt that he had discussed me with his sister. He told me I am very demanding, although I am not! He said I still did not love him which is not right, either. He also discussed things about having a segregated marriage, etc. I told him I don’t like segregated functions and that too made him angry. Then he also talked about the rasms and mehr and that also is confusing for me. Once, he even asked me if we should break up. I am much stressed. Please advise me.

Lost and Stressed

Dear Lost and Stressed,

It seems that your fiancé is very touché about this relationship because you had initially rejected his proposal. You have been very accommodating about his difficulties, and he should do the same, but unfortunately most men do not think that way. They feel that the woman should make compromises because their jobs and problems are more important. It seems your fiancé took your genuine problem as an affront, and it was not right of him to discuss you with his sister. My dear, you need to talk to him and sort out things in a reasonable way. You have admitted that for a while, things were fine, but got worse when you couldn’t go out with him.

Sometimes, things become murky because of a gap in communication. He feels that you don’t love him, and that is why he has been behaving in this manner. The other things that you mentioned should be left to your parents. It does not pay to make an issue of whether the marriage functions should be segregated or not. Leave such problems for your parents, as they can tackle all the issues including mehr.

You have to thrash out your personal problems because unless everything becomes clear, you will remain under great stress. So, without wasting more time, ask him what he wants. If he wants re-assurance that you want to marry him, you must do your best to remove any misunderstanding that he may have. It is your relationship that you need to improve, and since he feels you are ‘demanding’ you must talk to him and make him understand your problems. Listen to him as well, it is possible that he also has problems with you, or else he wouldn’t have called you demanding.

However, if he has decided to break up with you, he should let you know that, too, without prolonging the stress that you are under. Just talk to him nicely, and try to clear the air. Good luck!

Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News,

Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi.