Letters

Hi Nadine,

I am a 26-year-old banker. I am considered quite good looking, so I am used to getting attention from males. At my workplace, many boys tried to befriend me, but failed. Then I met N, the brother of my colleague, S, at her engagement party. We sort of immediately clicked and have been in a relationship for a year now. During this time, we got to know each other well, and became very serious about each other. When S found out about our relationship from N, she told him to forget me as in their family elders make decisions about marriages. S told me that she would love to have me as her sister-in-law, but her parents would never agree to our wedding. She also told me that when N was 10 years old, he was engaged to their maternal aunt’s daughter, but N had not told me this. I confronted N about his engagement, and he told me that in his family a man can have two wives, and he will marry his cousin, but will have nothing to do with her. He will let her stay with his parents and will live with me. Now, he wants me to marry him, but he cannot tell his parents about me at present. According to N, if they come to know about our relationship, they will ask him to marry his fiancée as she belongs to the family and they would want her to be his first wife. In my defence, had I known about his engagement I would have stopped myself from getting into a relationship with him and promising to marry him. I discussed this issue with a friend who told me to forget N. She said that a person who would marry a girl and have nothing to do with her cannot only be a monster. I told N we were done and it would not do to see each other anymore. But he is so seriously and irrevocably in love with me that he refused to end it. He said I promised to marry him and if I break my commitment, I will never be happy. I am really confused and afraid, as I know my parents will never say yes to his proposal as long as he is engaged to his cousin, and unless his parents bring his proposal. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Uncertain Girl

Dear Uncertain Girl,

As you pointed out, you did not know about his engagement when you got into this relationship and promised to marry him, so you are under no obligation to stay with N. You promised in good faith and N was the one who should have come clean about his engagement and he is in no position to pressurise you. Now that you know the pitfalls of marrying him, you are under no obligation to uphold your promise. My dear, he should have told you about his engagement and family problems when you became serious about each other. He decided to take advantage of your naïveté and waited till you were really hooked.

Now he is pressuring you to fulfil your promise, but you should not cave in. Your friend is right; a man who would marry a girl and let ignore her existence cannot be a good person.

Forget this guy who does not have the courage to tell his parents about you. Your parents will not entertain his proposal and why should they? You are young, educated and good looking. Why should you settle for a man who cannot acknowledge this relationship in front of his family? What respect would you get from your family and society if you contract such a marriage? It is not easy to cut such deep ties but you must do it to avoid unhappiness in future. Best of luck!