Letters

Dear Nadine Khan,

I am a 27-year-old working girl. I recently got a suitable proposal and my parents accepted it straight away. The problem is that the guy, T, is in IT whereas I have done MBA, and was hoping to marry someone with an MBA degree. I have this feeling that if husband and wife can share their work experiences they cannot run out of topics of conversation. Well, I started talking to him on phone, which was somewhat problematic as he lives in Australia and the difference in time zones between Pakistan and Australia means talking at inconvenient hours. I found him to be a nice and decent person and was on the verge of saying yes when a colleague, S confessed he was interested in me. He is an MBA and is a little senior to me. However, he told me pointblank that his family is somewhat conservative and after getting married I wouldn’t be able to work. Now I am confused because I worked very hard to first get my job and then a promotion. I find it very easy to talk to S, as compared to T, and I also feel inclined towards S, but the thought of giving up my job is making me hesitate. T doesn’t have a problem if I work after marriage; he told me it would be up to me. T is very decent and S is fun to be with. I feel conflicted and can’t make up my mind one way or the other. Please help!

Conflicted Libra

Dear Conflicted Libra,

The reason you wanted to marry someone with an MBA degree was that you thought he would be mentally more compatible. It’s true that people in the same line of work often have a lot to talk about but most people get married to people with totally divergent personalities and views, and yet get along very well. While it’s a perk, it should never be a decider. The person who is an MBA told you that you won’t have the right to work but this other guy gave you the choice. Is it really so difficult? The life after marriage is not all about rousing conversations; it’s a lot about consideration, respect, care and give and take. With S, you will end up ‘giving’ in. If you can accept that because you have strong feelings for him, you must be prepared to live without having the right to making your own decisions. If your independence is important for you, say Yes to T. Best of luck!

Dear Professor,

I am 24-year-old girl. I have done MSc, and I work in a respectable company. Recently, my parents got me engaged to a distant relative living in the UK. I never spoke to him before our engagement, and now I don’t want to marry him because I was in love with my friend’s brother. He pleaded with me to wait for him till he could get a job, but I couldn’t go against my parents’ wish. So far my fiance has shown no interest in me, and according to some cousins who know him, he is very close to his mother and tells her everything. After my engagement, I tried to forget the person I love. I stopped calling him and I did forget him, which was very difficult for me as I have known him for seven years. Now I’m very upset. My fiance doesn’t to talk to me the way a guy talks to his fiancee, and the guy I like is still without a job. Please tell me what to do. I am really upset and in need of advice.

Confused Girl

Dear Confused Girl,

I think you should have told your parents about your interest in your friend’s brother. However, you decided to comply and accepted the proposal. My dear, if you are so dutiful, perhaps you shouldn’t have been involved with anyone. You led him on and dumped him. Now that you are confused about your fiance, you are worrying about the guy being jobless; which you knew already. However, you still got engaged and forgot your ex till you discovered that your fiance isn’t a romantic. You have a problem with your fiance being close to his mother, too, which is unreasonable. Yours is an arranged match, so the guy probably has no feelings for you and is getting to know you. You expect him to be romantic with you although your engagement isn’t even old.

My dear, think sensibly. You are engaged and feel disappointed because your fiance is not romantic, but right now even you are thinking about your ex. Give yourself and your fiance some time and don’t let petty things worry you. After few months, if you still feel the same way, talk to your parents. But don’t break your engagement without giving it a chance. Good luck!