Letters

Dear Nadine,

I am a 21 year old girl, who lost her mother two years ago. In our community, we have joint family set-ups and in my house there are my grandparents, two married uncles and one unmarried aunt. My father took my mother’s death very hard. He has totally busied himself with work. I hardly get any time to talk to him because the moment he comes home, my grandmother claims him and he spends at least an hour with her before going to his room. Once or twice I also went to her room when I saw my father there but after a few minutes she told me to go to bed, as I had to be up early for my university. I study in a good private institution and wish to maintain my GP. My problem is that I don’t get time to study at home. When I return from uni my grandmother and aunts keep me busy with work. My cousins are also around my age, but they are not asked to do anything. My aunt remains busy watching movies and shopping, all the time. Just because my mother is not there and my father not bothered about what’s happening to me, they take advantage. It’s really difficult for me to maintain my grades, and I think my aunts want me to fail because their own daughters are not interested in studies and usually fail and retake semester exams. I do have the sense, but my father thinks all my needs are taken care of by my grandmother, who just asks my aunts to bring clothes for me. I never have money to spend and have to take ‘lunch’ with me, or stay hungry.

I have become very frustrated with my situation. I am not very brave and although I want to speak up for my rights, I cannot do it. I can’t go with friends because I am not allowed, my aunts say that I have to be careful because I don’t have a mother and people talk more about girls like me. Professor, I want to enjoy my life like my cousins. My father earns very well, but he gives money to my grandmother and tells her to look after me. He doesn’t ask her how she spends the money and he doesn’t ask me if all my needs are being met. He has become indifferent and it hurts me. I don’t know what to do so everyone would stop taking me for granted. Have you got any suggestions?

Frustrated Girl

Dear Frustrated Girl,

I am very sorry about your loss, dear. It must have been extra tough dealing with your mother’s death specially because instead of being there for you, your father immersed himself in his grief, and distanced himself from you inadvertently. People have their own ways of dealing with grief, and your father’s long work hours show that he is still not ready or willing to come to terms with his wife’s loss. Unfortunately, your grandmother’s role is not positive, as far as you are concerned and even regarding your father. As a mother, she should have tried to make your father realise that life still has to go on even when loved ones depart.

However, you are now a mature person, and should not sit back and take things passively. You say you sleep early and are gone by the time your father wakes up, and it seems you think it’s normal. My dear, even if you are having a tough time studying and doing chores at home, surely you can find time to talk to your father even if it means staying up later or missing university for a day so you can talk to your father?

First write down all that you want to say to him, and read it carefully. Then create an opportunity to talk to him undisturbed either late at night or in the morning before he goes to work. Tell him that you need him, more than ever. Also make him realise that you also miss your mother very much and feel bad because you also get no time to talk to him. Don’t just say that you don’t like how you are deprived of money right away. Ask him if you can have an allowance for your needs. If he says that he gives money to your grandmother for you, don’t correct him, just tell him you would feel better if he gives you directly. My dear, your father is still grieving, which is not an excuse to neglect you, but as a loving daughter you should also try to make him come out of grief. It seems your grandmother doesn’t want you to communicate with your father and I am sure she will tell you to go away if you go to her room when your father comes. But, when she does that, you should say that since you don’t get to see him, you have no other option but to stay up late. This will make him realise that you miss his presence in your life. As for the burden of household chores, ask your grandmother politely to divide them, as you need time to study.

Best of luck

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Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

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