Letters

Dear Nadine,

I am a 22-year-old girl. My family is rich but conservative. Girls are allowed to study, but have to cover their head. The overall environment in our house is strict. My grandmother still rules the family, meaning my mother and the wives of my paternal uncles. Males are shown preference and girls are ‘kept in their place’. In this atmosphere, my phupo’s (paternal aunt) son abused me when I was 14. He did not actually rape me but hurt me badly. He threatened to slit my throat if I told anyone, and I became scared. He abused me periodically till he left for higher studies, and I suffered in silence because he was, and still is, my grandmother’s favourite grandson. I tried to tell my mother that I did not like him, but my mother did not listen to me. She told me that if my grandmother found out my views I would be in trouble. I did what I could to protect myself. I stayed away from him and tried not to be alone with him. Unfortunately, it wasn’t always possible because he had the run of the house. I don’t have a sister I could confide in. I have two brothers, one a year older and the second two years younger than me. They are very loving and friendly but I could not bring myself to talk to them, especially after my mother’s reaction. That’s why I could not ask them to help me. As a result, I became withdrawn and depressed, till he went to UK for further studies. My problem is that I have become afraid of men. Even after he went away and I felt free, there is always this fear at the back of my mind that a guy can hurt me. Six years without my toxic cousin have helped me become somewhat normal, but I am still scared of men and the idea of getting married terrifies me. I don’t want anyone to have the power to hurt me again. Because of this fear, I can’t enjoy my time with my fellow students. Sometimes we have to work on projects and interaction between male class fellows becomes inevitable. I feel awkward at such moments. I want to get over this fear. I want to become brave and strong. What should I do? In my family, most girls are married before they turn 20, and my parents are now looking at some proposals, which is also worrisome. I am not prepared to get married yet; the mere thought of marriage scares me. I do talk to some class fellows sometimes but keep wondering whether they are good or bad. Nadine, please tell me how to get rid of this fear.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You have been through a lot and for someone as young as you, coping with this must have been extremely difficult and painful. In view of what you have been through, your fear is not unreasonable. However, don’t judge all men by your ‘toxic’ cousin’s standard. You have mentioned you have two brothers who are loving and friendly. I am sure they are decent guys. They are not like your abusive cousin, but they are also males. Think of this as your starting point in your bid to overcome your fear of men. When talking or interacting with your male class fellows, try to treat them as you do your own brothers. You will have to make an effort to do it, but go about it slowly. Talk to them about a subject you are comfortable with, like asking them to explain some academic problem. Very soon you will overcome your fear.

Another thing is you need to stop thinking of people all the time in terms of males and females. People are not all good or bad, whether they are males or females. If a girl or a woman does something bad to you, will that make you scared of all the women in the world? You have to develop confidence to interact with people - both males and females. Be confident when you talk with men and don’t show any embarrassment or fear, and they will not intimidate you. Once you develop confidence in yourself, your fear of getting married will go away. Trust your parents to choose a decent guy for you and pray to God for your happiness and good future. Best of luck!