Letters

Dear Professor,

I am a 24-year-old guy. My issue is that my older brother had nikah with my paternal aunt’s daughter and then he went to study abroad. It was done after my parents had taken his opinion about my cousin and no one forced him to say yes. Originally, the girl’s parents wanted just a ‘baat pakki’ ceremony, which means a proper proposal is taken with mithai, but it is not an engagement. But then God knows why they changed their mind and insisted on a nikah ceremony. After the nikah, my brother went abroad and after almost six months, he sent written divorce to my cousin and married a native girl to obtain that country’s citizenship. Now my parents want me to marry my cousin to maintain peace in the family. When I refused, they became very angry and since then they have been trying to pressurise me into marrying my former sister-in-law. I want to marry my classmate, S, and had said nothing to my family in this regard because I wanted to establish myself first. I had this idea that marrying S would not be easy because in my family marriages outside the community are not acceptable. So, I thought I should be able to support my wife in case my parents threaten to cut me off financially. S’s parents want her to be married within a year, and she has two very good proposals, and S says she won’t go against her parents. I, on the other hand, need at least two years to establish myself. I am not earning enough to rent a house and support her. And my parents say that my brother has already embarrassed them, and if I don’t marry my cousin, my sisters will remain spinsters, as no one in the community will marry them. I do feel for my parents and I love my sisters also. I realise that marrying off my sisters would be a very difficult thing because my community is extremely strict and they will break ties with my family if we don’t make amends, but what about my happiness? No one is concerned about what I desire. What should I do?

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

You seem to be a very caring son, for you are genuinely worried about your parents’ plight. However, as matters stand, you cannot marry S since her parents want her to get married within a year, and you are still dependent upon your parents. So, the first thing you must do is to inform your parents that you are committed and try your level best to make them come round. For, if they don’t agree, there is hardly anything you can do as S’s parents will not wait for two years. If this does not work out, talk to S and ask her to persuade her parents to give you two years. In case things go your way, well and good but if not, you won’t be able to marry S, as she won’t go against her parents and her parents will marry her off. In that scenario, there really would be no harm in considering your cousin. It wasn’t her fault that your brother discarded her so shabbily, and then you must think about your sisters also. Do all that is in your power to get your parents to accept S, but if that doesn’t happen you must move on. And, if that can help your sisters, well, you have to get married, so think about making your family happy. Good luck!

 

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