WHEN BOUNDARIES BECOME WALLS

life

There is a fine line between boundaries and walls. Between wanting to be alone and becoming lonely. Between respecting space and neglecting it. The recent passing of senior actor Ayesha Khan and, more recently, Humaira Asghar, has stirred a storm across Pakistan and beyond. The way these news stories unfolded has placed families - children and parents alike - under the harsh glare of public opinion, with accusations of neglect dominating the narrative.

But if we set aside knee-jerk reactions for a moment, perhaps the picture is more complex. Not every instance of living alone or maintaining distance is born of neglect. Many people today want their boundaries respected. They want space to live without being constantly checked on, to be trusted in their independence, and not be disturbed at every turn.

However, there is another side to the story: sometimes their choice of living alone causes pain and misery not only to themselves but also to their family and friends.

Many elders in Pakistan are now living on their own. “My mother refuses to move into my home, even though she often complains of being lonely,” elucidates *Sania. “She wants me and my family to be available for her at her convenience, which is very difficult for me to manage alongside work and my children’s school schedule. Our timings don’t match, and having her over at my place would be far easier than trying to balance the routines of four people with different commitments,” says the young banker.

“After we spend some time at her place, it becomes difficult for her to have the children around in her space, and it’s clear that she gets agitated. If she goes abroad to visit my brother, after a while she wants to come back because she misses her routine and her space. But once she’s back, she feels lonely. It’s a constant tussle of feelings and emotions, which is not easy for anyone to manage,” shares the young mother of two.

“My brother and I have accepted that we don’t really have a choice - this is what she prefers, and we need to be mindful of it. But God forbid if something happens to her, people will start blaming us instead of understanding the background,” Sania expresses her fear.

*Saman, a single mother, has developed coping patterns that are often difficult to navigate in various aspects of life. When stressed at work, she withdraws completely - cutting off communication with her parents, who both live abroad, and distancing herself from friends and loved ones. Sometimes, she even ignores text messages for months. “I know it is not right, but it is just an attempt at self-preservation. When I call my parents, they unconsciously add to my stressors,” she admits.

Living alone with a young teenager, away from aging parents, carries its own weight. The responsibility of caregiving - financially and emotionally - combined with the guilt of being distant from elders, adds to the burden. Saman’s mother recognises this as a familiar pattern in her thirty-year-old daughter and chooses to give her space. “I don’t want to disturb or burden her more than she already is. I know that’s how she operates,” she laments.

But here lies the dilemma: when you don’t touch base with loved ones regularly, how do you know if they are truly doing okay? Where is the line between smothering and caring? Between being involved and micromanaging?

The harder question, then, is this: how do we draw a line between healthy solitude and dangerous isolation? How can families and communities create support systems that allow for independence without severing connection?

“In today’s world, it has become simpler,” says Rubina Feroz, Senior Clinical Psychologist and former Chairperson of the Department of Psychology, University of Karachi. “Even a forwarded message - a good morning or a simple dua on WhatsApp - can reassure someone living with limited social interaction that there is no immediate threat to their safety,” she adds.

Much can be built on this simple idea. “There needs to be a mechanism of safety and security within communities - families, friends, neighbours, co-workers, and staff,” suggests Rubina.

“Even a quick check on a person’s ‘last seen’ status on WhatsApp or their shared location on apps can serve the purpose,” explains Rubina. “But this exchange of information must be two-sided. You cannot be a caregiver to someone who does not wish to be cared for.”

The question of privacy inevitably arises. As Rubina points out, it is a constant negotiation, but balance is key. “Cutting people off in the name of privacy is not okay - neither for emotional well-being nor for physical safety.”

At its core, boundaries are meant to be flexible and rooted in mutual respect. They may involve saying no to requests that overextend you or setting time limits for certain interactions, but they are not rigid barriers that block connection. When privacy hardens into avoidance - refusing trust, withdrawing from relationships, or avoiding emotional vulnerability - it often results in defensive walls that are far harder to break down later.

*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Sohema Rehan has a degree in Clinical Psychology. She works as a Counsellor and Art Therapy Practitioner. She can be reached at sohema@hotmail.com