Funny quotes

• “When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”

- Bob Monkhouse

• “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

- George Burns

• “My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.”

- Bill Murray

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning,

I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it better be there!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.