I just want to be with the parent who makes me feel loved. What should I do?
I want to live with my mom
Dear Guru,
I’m a 17-year-old girl in Class X1, and I need some guidance. My parents got divorced three years ago, when I was 13. Their marriage had been arranged, but it didn’t work out. After the divorce, my mother moved to the house of my maternal grandfather taking my younger brother with her. He was only 6 at the time. I stayed with my father, who was given my custody.
A year later, my father remarried to a divorced cousin of his. Actually, he had loved her before but his proposal was rejected, and he got married to my mother. From what I’ve been told, he was pressured into his first marriage, and this second one was the match he had always wanted. It’s been two years since their wedding, but I still haven’t been able to accept his new wife. She acts kind only when my father is around, but otherwise, I don’t feel welcomed by her. It’s a typical “stepmom” situation, and I constantly feel like an outsider in my own home.
The truth is, I really miss my mom. We talk regularly, and she wants me to come live with her. My brother is there, my uncle is there and most importantly—she’s there. She’s a doctor and very supportive. I know I would feel happier and safer if I lived with her, but my father is firm on his decision—he won’t allow me to leave. He seems fully settled in his new life, especially now that his wife is expecting a baby. I know he loves me in his own way but he is not very expressive, and I feel ungrateful also because I want to leave him to be with my mother.
But I feel like I’ve been left behind while everyone else has moved on. I don’t want to be stuck in a place where I feel lonely and unwanted. I just want to be with the parent who makes me feel loved. What should I do?
Disturbed Daughter
Dear Disturbed Daughter,
It’s clear you’ve been carrying a heavy emotional burden for quite some time. When families go through a divorce, especially during teenage years, the effects on children can be overwhelming, as they want both their parents together. Wanting to be with your mother, especially when you feel out of place in your father’s new home, is completely natural. Missing her and your brother, and wanting to be with them does not make you ungrateful at all.
It’s also understandable that you’re finding it hard to accept your stepmother. Trust and affection can’t be forced, and when someone doesn’t treat you warmly, it’s difficult to form a genuine bond. Feeling like a guest in your own house, while watching your father build a new life, can be incredibly lonely.
Having said that, you’re still young and big life decisions are largely in the hands of your guardians, but that doesn’t mean you’re powerless. Start by trying to talk with your father. Let him know how you feel—not just about his wife, but about missing your mother and the emotional toll it’s taking on you. Sometimes, parents aren’t aware of how deeply their children are struggling.
If you’re not comfortable talking to him directly, try writing him a letter or seek support from a trusted relative from your father’s side of the family who can help mediate. Your well-being should be a priority for both your parents. Ask your mother to gently and respectfully request your father to allow you to live with her, without turning the situation into a battle. The goal should be what’s best for you—not who has the custody.
In the meantime, try to keep a positive frame of mind by staying close to friends or cousins. Focus on your studies, and take care of your mental health. You may feel stuck now, but things can change. Your parents love you and will help you find your way forward.
Good luck!
“Every choice comes with a consequence. Once you make a choice, you must accept responsibility. You cannot escape the consequences of your choices, whether you like them or not.” -Roy T. Bennett
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