Mr.Carter (@dexteristwisted): How is it that we have one hand that can do everything... and [the] other is like “I can’t even hold a pencil”...
* Mr.Carter (@dexteristwisted): How is it that we have one hand that can do everything... and [the] other is like “I can’t even hold a pencil”.
* Terri Paella Piñata (@terrip38): I carry pepper in my purse so when I’m out and there’s no salt and pepper on the table and the server asks if everything’s ok and I automatically answer yes, at least I have pepper.
* Melissa Broder (@melissabroder): I feel relaxed in a crisis because everyone is as anxious as I am all the time.
* Peter (@arabatman_): “Any weekend plans” is a crazy thing to ask in this economy bro I’m doing nothing in my room.
* Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux): Hey, sorry I didn’t answer your phone call. I’ve already answered two phone calls this year. I’m phone called out.
* Trey (@treydayway): My prime was basically 3 months in ‘96.
* Darla (@ddsmidt): Accept them as they are and then painfully watch as they go around being who they are.
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha!” she said. “That’s not going to help!”
“Sure it does,” her husband replied. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
——-
“I got embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set on my own,“ a man told his friend.
“So what did you do?” his friend asked.
“In a panic, I threw a quilt over it.” he replied.
“I think I managed to cover my tracks.”
——-
A wealthy man told another guy, “I’ll give you $50K, but if you take it, the person you hate the most in the world gets double that. Do you accept the deal?”
The guy smiled and said, “Sure. I’ve always wanted $150K.”
“My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.’” – Emilia Clarke
