“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” is only true if your aim is good and you throw it at their head...
* MisterD (@MisterD78UK): “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” is only true if your aim is good and you throw it at their head.
* Hollie Harris (@allholls): They say to trust your gut, but if it’s the same gut that convinced me to eat a dozen donuts in one sitting, then I’m not sure how trustworthy it is and that I should be listening to it.
* Erica (@ericanextdooor): How’s my attention span? … I used to check my phone twice during a movie and now I check the movie twice during my phone.
* Trash Jones (@jzux): I like my men like I like my coffee: not that hot but still making me anxious.
* Van Haley (@vanhaley_yt): Guy playlists are like “driving”, “gym”.
Girl playlists are like “songs for when you don’t have it in you but need to keep going” and “esoteric night out 03”.
* Agreeable Greg (@AgreeableGreg): Your future doctor is using ChatGPT to pass med school so you better start eating healthy.
Fred came home from university in tears.
“Mum, am I adopted?” he asked.
“No, of course not,“ replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?“
Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived on the other side of the city.
Shocked, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don’t know how to say this... he may not be our son.”
“Well, obviously!” the husband replied.
“What do you mean?” she asked
“It was your idea in the first place,“ her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him....
“I picked a good one, I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
