Comic Relief

• Case (@Cactuscali1991): My favourite part of spring is its rolls.

• Hollie Harris (@allholls): If I do something successfully once, I consider myself lucky.

If my husband does something successfully once, he considers himself an expert.

• Reta Coffman (@Retacof): Never look for discounts when buying sushi or getting plastic surgery.

• Jimmy Fallon (@jimmyfallon): Instead of making a sound, car alarms that go off at night should blast your name so everyone knows it's your car.

• J. (@jtothet): Your nose is in the middle of your face because it is the scenter.

• Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence): In my defence, I saved a lot of money on paper towels by not having children.

• Matty (@bestestname): I would probably have a favourite flower if they tasted better.

• Matt Margolis (@ItsMattsLaw): Dance like no one is watching.

Text like the editor of The Atlantic was accidentally added to the group chat and is reading everything.

Points to ponder

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron

Laugh lines

The lie

A 60-year-old billionaire marries a beautiful 25-year-old woman. When they throw a party celebrating their marriage, the billionaire's friends want to know the secret to how he landed this gorgeous young lady.

"It's simple," the billionaire replies. "I lied about my age."

“Yes, but even for a 40- or 45-year-old guy, she is sensational. What age, by the way, did you tell her you are?" a friend asks.

With a smile on his lips, the billionaire responds, “85.”

The refund

A disgruntled customer approaches a shopkeeper. “I bought this shirt yesterday,” he exclaims, “and when I got it back home, I found this huge rip in the back. I want my money back!”

“I'm afraid we don't give refunds sir,” the shopkeeper replies.

“But that sign says ‘money refunded if not satisfactory’,” the customer points out.

“It certainly does, sir,” says the shopkeeper, “but there was nothing wrong with your money.”