Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe): Pro tip: If anyone ever invites you to take their private jet to a private island, google them for ten seconds first....
* Rob Delaney (@robdelaney): “It takes great courage to be a teacher or a nurse. It takes even greater courage for an actor to *play* that teacher or nurse.” – Rob Delaney
* Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe): Pro tip: If anyone ever invites you to take their private jet to a private island, google them for ten seconds first.
* Vincent Bevins (@Vinncent): As a general rule I don’t like call-outs of the “the silence from these people is deafening” type because no one should be criticized for not posting tweets. Maybe they got a hobby or made a friend. I mean I know they didn’t but it is important to believe this is possible.
* Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais): Comedy should not discriminate. That’s why I look down on everyone equally.
Laugh lines The phone call
Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
“Hello?”
“Honey, It’s me.”
“Sugar!”
“Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Only $1,500.”
“Well, okay, go ahead and get it if you like it that much.”
“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2024 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $60,000!”
“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! Before we hang up, something else...”
“What?”
“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $650,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover...”
“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000, ok?”
“Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
“Bye.”
The man hangs up, looks around, and asks aloud, “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”
