I am a 24-year-old good looking girl, and have an MBA degree. I have a good job in the HR department of a respectable organisation...
I don’t want to go against my parents
Dear Guru,
I am a 24-year-old good looking girl, and have an MBA degree. I have a good job in the HR department of a respectable organisation, and my family background is also good. Despite all this, I am constantly being rejected by the mothers of guys who come to look me over. Guru, in my community, not many boys go for higher education, so my prospects are rather limited. The mothers of educated boys are very choosy, and think I am too old for their 30-something sons.
My sisters-in-law asked my mother to consider the proposals of widowers and divorcees because they think I will not land a suitable guy. Through my eldest brother’s wife, now I have a proposal of a 42-year-old widower who has a 15-year-old son, and is not even a matriculate.
I don’t want to marry an old guy with a kid, but my mother has told me that if I don’t, I would remain single. My parents have refused to consider the proposal of a decent guy, F, who is a friend of my other brother because he is an ‘outsider’.
My situation is very frustrating, and my parents are responsible for it. My brother is also mad at my parents, and has asked me to consider getting married without their approval. He told me he would support me all the way, but the decision has to be mine. Guru, my brother’s friend is highly educated and his parents also like me. My brother told me to have a court marriage, as I am over 18, and then tell our parents. He thinks I will be very happy with them, but what scares me is my parents’ reaction. They will have to face the community, which will be very unpleasant. I am sure they will cut me off forever, and that is not something I can live with.
If I don’t accept the proposal of my brother’s friend, I will have to marry this widower I don’t like. Or, as my mother has told me, stay single. I am very confused and upset. My mind wants me to rebel and go for my happiness, but when I think about my parents, I become indecisive. I want my parents’ blessings at my wedding but I know I won’t have them if I go against them. I don’t want to go against my parents, but what else can I do?
Girls at Crossroads
Dear Girls at Crossroads,
In this day and age, kowtowing to community pressure should become obsolete. Instead of thinking what relatives will say, parents should think what is better for their children, but, unfortunately, this is easier said than done. Changing mindsets is not in the offing anytime soon, so you should be prepared to standup for your rights.
As an adult and educated girl, you have the right to accept or decline a proposal. Try your best to persuade your parents to accept J’s proposal. Talk to your other brothers and see if you can enlist their support. If that does not work, you have the right to marry the man you want to. The good thing here is your brother will help you, and you will not have to do anything drastic.
Your anxieties about your parents do you credit, but this matter concerns your future life. It is possible that once you have had nikah in court, and disclose it to your parents they will make the best of the situation by accepting it, but you should be mentally prepared it would not be the case. Court marriage is not a decision any girl should take lightly, and you also should do it after exhausting all other options.
Good luck.
Kindly send your problems at: us.mag@thenews.com.pk
