An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all your friends.” The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”
Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.
I told them, “Just you wait!”
How come teddy bears never want to eat anything?
Because they’re always stuffed.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?
The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks if he could see her licence. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.”