Dear Nadine,
I am a 29-year-old married woman. I have two children: a boy and a girl. I am trying to be a good mother, but at times I feel I am doing a bad job. You see, as a child I was never happy. My father was very strict with my siblings and me. Since I am the oldest among my brothers and sisters, he made it a point to make an example out of me by punishing me in front of my younger brothers. His punishments were extremely painful as he used to hit me with his belt. He followed it up by making me stand with my face to the wall. My siblings were so frightened that they did not do anything a normal child would like playing in the living room or watching TV in my father’s presence. The moment he returned from work, they took to their rooms and started studying. Being the eldest at home, and a girl, I was expected to help my mother in the kitchen with household work. My father only saw that my siblings were busy studying while I was not and this earned me further physical and verbal abuse.
In all this, my mother’s role was weird. She never ever protected me, or told my father that she was the one keeping me away from studies by setting out chores for me so she could look at her prettiest best when my father arrived. She did not care about my well being at all, maybe because I am a girl. She cared for my brothers all right, and always praised them. She always served them food before me and I remember eating after everyone else had finished. She paid attention to my brothers’ studies and got them tuitions if and when they needed extra help, but I was expected to fend for myself. Despite this discrimination, I did well and managed to do MBA in HR. The credit for this goes to my life partner, S, who asked me to continue my studies after my parents married me off. I had done HSC then and S helped me prepare for my entrance tests to various universities. When I conceived, I thought S would ask me to drop university, but he engaged a full-time maid to help me with the house work and baby. I am now working in a respectable organization, and my son and daughter are nine and seven years of age respectively. You are probably wondering what my problem is, right? It is that in my effort to treat my daughter really well, I sometimes go overboard. Even when she is at fault, I don’t punish her. I am normal with my son. I love him too much, but when he needs to be disciplined I do it, and I lavish all my love on both my kids. I have never discriminated between them on the basis of sex, but being strict with my seven-year-old Shehreen is beyond me. I don’t want her to become spoiled. But, I don’t want her to grow up in fear like I did. Just because I was a female child I was treated harshly and I don’t want my daughter to experience even the fraction of what I went through. What can I do to ensure that she grows up as a well-rounded, happy individual without becoming spoilt?
Anxious Mom
Dear Anxious Mom,
It is so heartening to learn that despite your unhappy childhood you have done so well! My dear, your parents are simply like average Pakistani, or maybe eastern parents who give preferential treatment to their male offspring. Your father went too far with the way he treated you but all praise be to Allah who gave you a good, caring and loving husband as a reward for not losing your goodness even after the way you were treated.
Many a time, the abused end up being abusers. In your case, the reverse has happened. You are too careful to repeat the mistakes of your parents. Cut yourself some slack and try to relax. You are doing an amazing job with both your kids, but must understand that you can discipline your children without being abusive or strict. If your daughter makes a mistake, it is your duty to correct her, so treat her just like you do your son. Try not to differentiate between them and treat them alike. Be firm, not strict. Your children are lucky to have a mom who wishes to do the right thing for them, and I am sure you will do well with both of them. Good luck!
Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com
Note: If you feel you need someone to talk to when you are alone, to share a problem with, or just to get something that has upset or disturbed you off your chest, share it with us. Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I Chundrigar Road, Karachi.
