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Opinion

January 11, 2015

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Ms Khan and some trivia

So apparently, in order of no particular importance, these are the few issues the world has with Imran Khan’s new wife. Issue no 1: Ex-weather girl, divorced mother of three. Well excuse me, but I have serious reservations about this title and will only accept it the day we start referring to Mr Khan as an ex-playboy, divorced father of two.
I mean, come on you people, what is wrong with you all?
Here we have this beautiful, poised, extremely articulate, sexy young woman who is exactly what we need to show the world that Pakistani women are not all about being oppressed, and being forced to deliver twenty-two jihadist children per lifetime.
Yet what do we do with her? Obsess over her marital status and trash her on the internet. I mean, look at her. She is just the right amount of presentable, knows how to dress up, carries herself remarkably well and speaks more eloquently than all the TV anchors of Pakistan put together. Yet instead of swallowing our sour grapes and graciously calling a spade a spade, we are inventing titles with derogatory connotations and attributing them to her. Ex-weather girl indeed! Nobody calls Mr Khan an ex-batboy (or something like that), right. So how about we stop being mean to his wife and call her a professional journalist who has worked with one of the world’s oldest and most prestigious broadcasting organisations?
Issue no 2: Ms Khan has videos of dance and merrymaking circulating on the internet. Well, excuse me again, but all those Pakistanis who don’t have those ridiculous shaadi videos of a ghar ki mehndi where all the pretty girls are dancing with uncles who can’t move to save their lives, please raise your hands.
I am not raising my hand because I have plenty of those videos in my house and my only fear in life is that somebody someday will leak them on the internet and ask me for ransom (All 15 years of age, dressed in an oversized gharara, trying to jump up and down for a bloodthirsty aunty going

by the name of choreographer).
I mean, first of all the new Ms Khan looks better dancing than most of us going cuckoo on our older sisters’ friends’ weddings; and second of all, who on earth really cares about a little dance anyway? As a nation that thrives on Bollywood music and whose only remarkable export across the border is an amazing amount of music talent, we shouldn’t be so judgemental about the musical sense of a possible future first lady. Especially when the possible? future first lady, at the time of expressing her musical sense, had no plans of living up to the collective hypocritical standards of a nation drunk on self-righteousness.
Issue no 3: Mr Khan’s sister doesn’t approve of this marriage. Well, all I can say to this is sigh, and sigh again. The man is 62 years old for God’s sake. Sixty-two and not getting any younger. Plus he is the guy you all hoped would build a Naya Pakistan for you. And if this man of the revolution still has to seek a sister’s approval for the simple act of saying ‘I do’ then I am sorry I am not voting for him anymore. Because the last thing I want in my Naya Pakistan is the interference of a sister-in-law. Period.
Issue no 4: Ms Khan is wearing a skirt. Well, a wise man once said, if Ms Khan doesn’t have a problem with you wearing your long johns, then you shouldn’t have a problem with Ms Khan wearing a skirt either (hash tag: quotable quotes, double hash tag: private matter).
Issue no 5: Khan Sahib is public property so his choice in marriage should be a matter of public discourse as well. Well, I totally sympathise with our very South Asian compulsion of poking our noses into other people’s private lives, and would gladly concede you the right to seek blessings from a few dozen family members on your marriage. But expecting one man ?to please 182 million people to agree on a single choice of spouse!?
I mean, seriously. First of all, when was the last time the whole Pakistani nation approved of anything collectively anyway?(Hash tag: food for thought). Plus if we put? this up for debate, my concern is that half of us will be doing dharnas on D-Chowk while the other half would be calling for jihad on Mars. The media will be debating the role of agencies in launching a bride, and Mr Khan himself would be calling for office space for his dissenting spousal candidate.
Not a very efficient way of consummating a marriage, I’m afraid.
Issue no 6: She is not as elegant as Jemima. Well, well, well, what can I say. Let me just tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a country called Pakistan where there was a good Ms Khan and then there was a Bad Ms Khan. The only problem was that nobody in Pakistan knew which was which. Moral of the story: I think I should start writing poetry.
On a serious note, I think the new Ms Khan is as elegant as elegant can be and she is equally good for IK’s image as well, especially when his supporters are gaining notoriety for making female journalists cry on primetime TV.
So my dear readers, overall my rating for this marriage is five stars. To me Ms Khan looks pretty sophisticated in all she does for the simple reason that it comes naturally to her. And I think that’s what Mr Khan saw in her too.
So how about we all sit back, heave a collective sigh of awww, eat some mithai and leave it at that. Thank you.
The writer is an MSc candidate at the University of Oxford.
Email: [email protected]

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