Letters

Dear Nadine Khan,

I am a 21-year-old girl and have completed my graduation recently. I have been in a relationship with a guy, S, for four years. I got in contact with him through a cousin and after few months, our physical relationship started. Then my father got transferred to another city and S was devastated. I remained in contact with him through WhatsApp, and after about a year since our separation, he sent his parents with his proposal. We love each other a lot and his parents do not have a problem with that, but my father is against love marriage. When S’s mother mentioned that he has been in love with me for a while, my father didn’t like it. He liked S’s family, but wants to reject the proposal. Professor, I was not very mature when I fell in love and became physical with him. Now I know it was wrong, and I pray to Allah to forgive our sins. I want to marry S only, and not only because I love him so much; I don’t want to deceive another guy. I am not pure and cannot marry a guy without telling him about my past. As you know, in our society, such things are not usually forgiven by males. So, I am very upset. If my father rejects S’s proposal, he will accept some other proposal for me. And, obviously, I cannot tell my family what has happened. What can I do to make my father change his mind, and allow me to marry S?

In a Pickle

Dear In a Pickle,

You are in a pickle all right, but all problems have a solution if you are persistent and strong and refuse to give up. S really loves you because even after getting you without any strings attached, he sent his proposal. You will have to speak up and let your parents know that you want them to accept S’s proposal. Tell your mother you cannot accept anyone as your husband except for S. Tell your mother that you have been in love with him for four years and marrying someone else will be traumatic for you, so you won’t marry anyone else. Your father will not like it and probably threaten to cut you off, so be prepared for this reaction. If you think you can stay strong, talk to your mother and make your preference clear. Good luck!

Dear Nadine,

I am 27-years old girl. I did MBA, and got a good job in a very reputable organisation. I am the youngest in my family, and have two brothers and one sister. I was the first girl allowed to work in my family because my parents trust me, and I will never let them down. All marriages in my family are arranged. I received many good proposals during university days, but when A, a senior, proposed, I told my family about it. They met him and liked him a lot. My parents told him to send his proposal through proper channels, and A asked for a little time, as he still had not managed to get a good job. However, he told my parents that he would marry me after the completion of my studies, as at that time I had two semesters left.

I had a very good relationship with him, based on respect for our traditions. I slowly fell in love with him, and he told me that he loved me more. The problem is that I waited for him to bring his parents for four years, but he kept making excuses. My family got all stressed out and my father told him to either bring his parents or end things. It was then he told me that his family wasn’t happy and that’s why he hadn’t brought them to our house. He asked for more time to convince them, but my father thought it was a waste of time. He accepted another proposal for me, and I got engaged to G, who was totally my family’s choice. It wasn’t easy for me as I love A, but I managed to take interest in my fiancé. Unfortunately, for me, his cousin from USA came here and she fell in love with him, and he fell in love with the idea of getting US nationality. His family broke the engagement after four months. A, who was still single, came to know about it and brought his parents to my house, but they didn’t talk about marriage. They just had tea and went away. They had only come because A had been pressuring them. I felt insulted, and also hurt. It is very frustrating for me as all my friends are married and I am not getting good proposals like before.

A has asked me to wait for another six months so he can arrange for a separate home for us, as his family is still against me. Six months later he asked my father to have the marriage ceremony without his parents. He said only his married sister has agreed to attend our wedding and the rest of his siblings are scared of their parents. I am depressed, confused and shattered. Nadine, am I so bad that his parents hate me so much?

My parents have taken advice from elders of our family and they think that after spending eight years waiting for A, we should go ahead and get married. They say his parents will come around. But I am scared. What if they cut ties with A? Will he blame me for it? I still love him but don’t want to snatch him away from his parents. But I am also desperate now, and have no other suitable option. What should I do?

Frustrated Magnolia

Dear Frustrated Magnolia,

It seems A is sincere with you as he did not get engaged to anyone even when you did. At that point his family must have exerted pressure on him to get engaged or married but he did not. So, you can trust his commitment. My dear, you are both adult and should be allowed to marry the person of your choice. A has done all that was in his power to convince his parents, but now he has given up. He wants to marry you with respect, so he has not asked for court marriage. Your family elders are also not against your marriage to him, which means that there won’t be any criticism from your side of the family. As for his family, sooner or later they would probably accept you, because they wouldn’t want to remain estranged with their son. You may have a tough time even after that, and will have to be very sensible and diplomatic once A’s family comes around, but I am sure it would not be a problem as you seem like a sensible girl. If you have any doubts, do istikara. Best of luck!

Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (5th Floor) I.I Chundrigar Road, Karachi.