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By You Desk
Tue, 01, 20

I am ashamed to admit that my mother was right and I was wrong. D did not change at all.....

Dear Professor Nadine,

I am a 31-year-old professional. I got married two years ago to D, with whom I was in love with. Before we got married, I noticed that she was temperamental and given to mood swings. I did not think much about it, and just somehow persuaded myself that she would change once we are married. My mother also pointed out to me that although D is good of heart and a warm person, she has personality issues. Actually, my mother had invited D and her family, and while talking with me she flared up at something I said, which was a normal thing for me, but my mother got worried. She met D and her family few times and told me to think carefully, but I was in love and I told my father I would marry D and no one else. So my parents gave in and we got married.

I am ashamed to admit that my mother was right and I was wrong. D did not change at all. We live in Lahore as I was posted here by my company is from Karachi. My parents and siblings still live in Karachi, so we live alone. My wife is also a working woman and in Lahore she got a good job because professionally she is very good and responsible. The routine we follow would surprise you: I make breakfast for both of us, and then we go to work. We both return around 6pm, and I am the one who makes food and tidies the house. Daily. Despite that, my wife keeps complaining. She says I don’t love her and am not considerate enough for her. She keeps tabs on my emails and cell phone. She knows my passwords and I don’t know hers because she doesn’t tell me. She fights over small things and at times overlooks big mistakes. I can’t wear anything she doesn’t like but she doesn’t care if I tell her I don’t like what she is wearing. She is on excellent terms with my family members, and they all love her, but with me she behaves very strangely. I am constantly stressed out because I am afraid of going out with friends because she creates a lot of fuss. If I am late from work she calls so many times that my cell’s battery collapses. I know she loves me and I love her, too, but I don’t know how long I can carry on like that. I have done everything I can to win her trust and make her happy but she fights almost three to four times a week. She gets over fights quickly, too, and once we make up she is very good company, but I am now tiring of this drama all the time. What can I do to make things better? Do you think she can change or should we come to a decision before we have baby?

Anxious and Stressed

Dear Anxious and Stressed,

You are a very good husband and it seems you are trying your best to make your marriage work despite having little to no contribution from your wife. I commend you on your fortitude, but would like to point out that you went into this relationship with your eyes wide open. Your mother pointed out the very things which are causing you problems, but you made the mistake of making light of these problems. You ignored the red flags because you told yourself she would change. Well, personality traits are not so easy to change even if one is aware of one’s shortcomings. Did you speak to her about these problems? I would assume not. At that time, you just wanted to marry her, although you knew she had mood swings and was temperamental. Now that you have to live with her all these things are becoming unbearable.

The only hopeful thing here is that you both still love each other. So, if you sit down and discuss your issues, things might become better. Your wife is basically a good person, which is why your family loves her. She definitely has issues and needs expert help. I am sure if you can conjure your feelings of love for her, and let her see that those feelings are still there, she would be more amenable to resolve the issues. I suggest you go for couple’s therapy; it works wonder. The process takes a little time, but is worth the money. Unless you resolve your differences, things will continue going south. So, if you still love each other and wish to make your marriage work, take concrete measures to save it. If you don’t act now, you will probably leave each other after wasting precious years of your life. So, act now and save your marriage. Best of luck!

Problems that need a solution? You can e-mail

Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News,

Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi.