Letters

Dear Nadine,

I am a 36-year-old married woman. I have two daughters and a son. I live in a joint family where my mother-in-law holds sway. Along with my husband and I, my two sisters-in-law, one divorced, and the other widowed, also live with us. My husband’s younger brother and his wife also live in the same house, and in between us all, we have 11 children living in one house. My mother-in-law always favours her daughters and her younger daughter-in-law, who is her niece. Unfortunately, mine was a love marriage and she has, to date, not forgiven me for ‘trapping’ her son. From day one she was mean to me, assisted by her daughters. My sister-in-law (devrani) is a good person and she is the only one in the house who tries to make it bearable. The malice of my mother-in-law and her daughters is not limited to me; they are nasty with my daughters, too. They scold them all the time, right in front of me, but I cannot do anything as I am too scared of them. They are different with my son; in fact, they dote on him, probably because he is the only male child among the 11 children. But, their attitude has affected my older daughter, N, who is 10. She is having emotional troubles. She becomes angry frequently and argues with her grandmother and aunts. She is unstable emotionally. She used to be timid when she was younger but she has changed in the past two years. I am worried that it is my fault. My husband and I were worried with the way things were and used to fight a lot, and N had to witness it. I am worried; she is on the threshold of puberty and I don’t know what to do to make things all right for her. I blame myself for having failed her. What can I do?

Lousy Mother

Dear Lousy Mother,

Your daughter is still a girl, and you can do a lot to help her overcome the nastiness of the past. The most important thing is that you realise that she needs help. You can help her by giving her more time. Talk to her and make her realise how important she is for you. Tell her frequently that you love her. Protect her from all those family members who try to abuse her. You are a mother and must find courage to stand up for your children. First, tell your husband to speak to his mother and sisters. If he doesn’t do it, tell him you will have to protect your daughters even if it means taking on his mother and sisters. The moment they start scolding them or are mean to them, send your daughters to their room. If they complain to your husband, tell him that N already needs a psychologist and you don’t want the younger girl to become similarly afflicted. Tell your husband that his daughters rely on their parents to protect, love and support them. I am sure that your husband will understand and help you. They are his daughters and fathers do have a soft spot for their daughters. However, if he doesn’t believe his mother and sisters are so mean to your daughters, what is a cell phone for? Use it! Show him how they treat your daughters and I am sure he will do the needful. And, for all parents out there, I have one advice: please don’t fight in front of your children, as it can harm them in many ways. Good luck!

Problems that need a solution? You can e mail

Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi.