Letters

Dear Professor,

I am a 40-year-old bachelor. I live with my elder married brother along with my spinster sister, who is 43. My married brother works in a small company and his pay is not good. My sister is unmarried and not highly educated. She runs the house. I have been supporting my family since the death of my father. I was a college student then and had to work to pay my tuition fees and support my family. My brother was doing his masters at that time but he refused to get a job because he said it would hinder his studies. At that time, my eldest sister was also unmarried and both my sisters worked as packing girls in a factory, my mother who was alive at that time looked after the house. Then I completed my studies and got a very good job at a bank. My brother also started working and our financial status improved really well. My brother fell in love with his colleague and married her against my mother’s and sisters’ wishes. We continued to live in the same house, but my brother was unable to contribute to the household expenses because his wife got twins and left the job. My family became dependent on my salary. Unfortunately, both my sisters were not getting marriage proposals. When my eldest sister turned 36, we got a proposal for her. The guy was 54 years of age and a widower. We considered this proposal because my sister was getting on in age and was not very pretty. We accepted this proposal and my sister got married. A year after that, I met a girl at a wedding and I liked her. She was distantly related to my mother, so I thought my mother would be happy, but that did not happen. All hell broke loose and my mother, my married sister and the unmarried one accused me of thinking only for myself. My mother told me not to even think about getting married till my sister got married.

My sister is unfortunately still unmarried and my mother passed away 5 years back. A year after that, my cousin told my sister and me about a girl in the family and said she would really suit us all , because she is very sensible. My sister didn’t say anything in front of me but the next day my cousin called me and told me that both my sisters visited her that morning and fought with her for bringing that proposal. She said they did not want me to get married because I was the only one to support them. You see, I had to support my married sister also because her husband had an accident and was on bed for a year. The long and short of all this is that I am still unmarried and still supporting my sisters. I feel lonely and depressed, but the moment I say anything about getting married my family hangs up against me and tells me that I am too old to marry now. I don’t really know what to do. I want to get married and have a family of my own, but don’t want everyone to think I am unfeeling and mean. What should I do?

Dejected Banker

Dear Dejected Banker,

You are a very decent, caring and responsible person, but unfortunately your family is taking advantage of your good nature. You worked extremely hard to support your family after your father’s death, and did whatever you could to make ends meet. Instead of appreciating all you did for them, your sisters decided that your marriage would mean losing financial support. It’s very selfish on their part, and they are not going to change their minds. Still, you can talk to them and assure them that even after getting married you would continue to support your unmarried sister. If it doesn’t work out, then you should go ahead and get married without their help and preferably without their knowledge.

If you have a girl in mind, talk to her and her family, and go for it. If you don’t know any girl, you can ask your cousin or any other members of your family you can trust to not tell your sisters to find someone suitable for you, or contact a marriage bureau. Explain your position and make it clear that you will introduce your wife to your family after the marriage. You have done a lot for your family and should now think about your own life and happiness. A word of caution: your spinster sister will not accept your wife and will try to make things very uncomfortable. Doing the best thing would be to make a separate portion for yourself in the same house. Good luck!