The year was 2001. It was mid of January when I was proposed by Muzaffar just after we met, a night before to be precise.....
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The year was 2001. It was mid of January when I was proposed by Muzaffar just after we met, a night before to be precise. He came to our house, met my mom who tried her best to convince him not to marry her daughter (I wasn’t a typical girl and had no interest in kitchen and house chores) but Muzaffar did not listen to her. My mother, after much deliberation, gave the green single. I got engaged in February 2001 and we tied the knot on 20th July 2001. Ours was not a conventional wedding, no grand mehandi or mayoon, it was an intimate affair. We just had few dohlkis at our home. I did not have the patience to sit straight for long hours and seeing other dancing on bhangra tunes, so I opted to have close GTs where I could also enjoy with my friends and family without any inhibitions. We had one wedding reception and one valima reception. I didn’t wear any designer jora, both my wedding dresses were made on order, I didn’t go to any salon, my aunt who happens to be a beautician, did my makeup and there was no high-priced photographer, our photographer friend took all the wedding pictures. And it was one happy wedding - I was showered with compliments on my looks, makeup, how I dressed up etc; people loved the delicious food and photographs turned out really nice. We went to our honeymoon the very next day after our valima. We did not choose any expensive holiday destination; we decided to visit our beautiful Northern Areas. We spent all our ‘salami’ money on our honeymoon but we were happy to have great time together.
Fast forward... it’s end of 2018 and I have been married for 17 years now. The years were like roller coaster ride - we had our own share of fun, grief, problems, happiness, tragedies, adventures, etc etc. From a care free girl, I am now a responsible woman who knows the intricacies of a married life.
In our society, unfortunately, girls are not prepared to face the challenges that come along with married life. Usually when a girl is getting married all her time and energies are wasted in numerous trips to bazaars to prepare her wedding paraphernalia and to look good. They worry most about how to lose weight and go on all kinds of diets in a quest to look gorgeous on their big day. Well, there is nothing wrong in it. Every bride wants to shine on her big day. But normally they tend to forget that this ‘shine’ is momentary. The real challenge is to ‘shine’ throughout their married life, not for few days.
Normally when the honeymoon period is over newlyweds find it very difficult to adjust in new environment. What they need to understand is that life is not all about fancy clothes, romantic dinners and outings. It seems alright for the first few months but then once the practical life starts, you need to set your priorities. And you need to work on your relationship with your hubby and in-laws. After all, married life is based on little compromises and understanding and respect for each other. In the light of my own experiences, I am giving a few tips to newlyweds for a smooth married life...
Since Muzaffar and I are practical people, we thought to go for a simple wedding and should not burden our families. Why go for ostentation when things can be done tastefully within your budget? To date people remember our wedding as it was pure and joyous rather than pompous and pretentious. I simply believe in one thing - when you can have it, flaunt it but when you don’t have it then there is NO need to show off, you just do whatever you can do easily. Don’t come under society’s pressures, don’t worry about pleasing people and come under debts. Keep your decor simple and invest in food as this is something people will remember. You cannot beat all those flamboyant weddings so when it’s your wedding, you may as well enjoy it rather than be a victim of the rat race.
“They lived happily ever after’... sounds familiar? The end line of many fairy tale movies but it is limited to reel life only. Remember that real life is totally different from what you see in the movies. Marriage has its own demands and one has to constantly work on one’s marriage. The initial two years are most difficult as it’s not easy to adjust in new surroundings. How many people have encountered a painful frustration in marriage and asked themselves, “Why did I do this? Did I marry the wrong person?” There is nothing like a perfect husband or perfect marriage. But slowly and gradually try to develop understanding with your partner. It does not really matter, whether it’s a love or arranged marriage; you get to know the true personality and habits of your spouse when you start living with him 24/7. So, if you want your marriage to work then be reasonable and try to build a relationship based on trust, not on material things.
No high expectations: One of the reasons why girls find it difficult to adjust in their marriages is because they have unrealistic expectations and when their demands don’t materialise, naturally they feel upset. You cannot expect your hubby to take you out every night. Don’t envoy your rich married friends who go to all these fancy restaurants and parties every other day. Not everyone can afford luxurious lifestyle. So, don’t be demanding. Be sympathetic towards your hubby. Well, it does not mean to have a dull and boring life, you can always find pleasure in simple joys. For instance, go for a movie; make a picnic plan with your family or friends. Invite your friends over for dinner. The idea is to have fun and who is stopping you from that?
When I started my new life, I was clueless about the domestic chores. I was thoroughly pampered by my mom and my cooking skills were zero. I had tears in my eyes when I cut onions for the first time. Though we had cook, in times of emergencies I cooked and seriously it was a task for me. I know it’s no big deal for women who cook on regular basis but for people like me it’s a tough job. The first year was difficult, I learned the basics from my mom and noted down her recipes. Over a period of time I learned the tricks of the trade. I don’t live in a joint family any more. I have my own home where friends and family are welcomed. I have trained my maid. She is an excellent cook - thanks to my hubby for supporting and encouraging me in every possible manner. My advice to young brides: please learn how to cook before you get married. It’s very important for your survival. I was/am lucky, I had/have domestic help but what if your hubby is demanding or you go abroad? There one has to do everything by oneself. So girls, take my advice seriously, sharpen your cooking skills and start watching MasterChef from today!
My early years of marriage were tough. Since I was living in a joint-family, it wasn’t easy for me to cope. There was a difference of lifestyle and hundreds of itsy bitsy things that made me irritated. However, my hubby supported me at every single step and guided me how to behave and talk in front of them. Eventually, I learnt to deal with them on my own. When I look back now, I laugh at my stupid thoughts. What happens is when you go to a new house, your in-laws are as apprehensive as you are. You also need to give them time to understand you. Be patient. Eventually they are bound to like you. The point is whether you like it or not, in-laws are an integral part of your marriage, especially in our set up. So instead of taking them as ‘aliens’, try to relate to them. They are not as evil as they are portrayed in Indian and Pakistani dramas. Don’t harbour negative feelings for them. Just because they are your in-laws, it’s not necessary that they are bad people. Make an effort to learn about them. Think of new home as your own. Take part in family discussions. Take interest in things like decor, budgets, and other things related to your new home. Try to mingle with your hubby’s siblings. Try to develop friendly relations with them. Open up to them. You will love hearing their childhood tales. And, all this will help you know your better half in a whole new way.
If you want your marriage to be successful then you need to be patient. For instance, if you are living in a joint family system and you don’t like it, then don’t force your husband from day one to get you a separate home. Don’t make life difficult for you and your husband. In fact, it’s a good idea to spend few years with one’s in-laws as it gives one a sense of bonding. Eventually you will get your own home, so just chill!
Erum Noor Muzaffar is the editor of You! magazine. For feedback write to iram29@hotmail.com
