Letters

Dear Nadine Khan,

I am a 35-year-old married woman, and I have three children. I have been married for 14 years and my husband, R, is a good person and he loves me a lot. He is well-settled, and is a very generous provider. The problem is that I don’t love him anymore. Before getting married, I was in love with my cousin, J. His parents did not allow him to marry me because they wanted a rich daughter-in-law with lots of dowry. My late father was a salaried person, and was unable to meet their demands, so they chose a very rich girl for J and got him married very soon. For a few months I was depressed and hurt. My ego was bruised, too. Then, through a friend of my father, my marriage with R was arranged. I tried my best to forget J, and very soon I felt that I did not have to act happy in front of R, because I was happy. With my three children and husband, I had a good life. Things changed when J’s wife died due to some complication, giving birth to their second child. I went to offer my condolence and this visit was an icebreaker for us. In the beginning, we would talk for a few minutes as cousins do, but somehow it all changed. Our meetings reignited the flame and I found out I was still in love with him. It seems my life after getting married to R is a farce. How can I love R, when all along I was in love with J? J has been after me to break up with R and marry him. I told him that my children need me, but he says children grow up and go their way and we should think about our happiness. Their father is rich and would make sure they are cared for. He has a son and a daughter, but he says he cannot give them up to their grandmother because they already have lost their mother. I am confused. I love J, but R has been good with me. I did love him and was happy, too, but not anymore. Nadine, I am confused. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to be with J, and have the life with him that I was denied by his parents. Then I think of R, and his love and kindness ... I don’t want to hurt him. J thinks children are very accommodating and would adjust without me, but giving them up is not something I want. J has very honestly told me that he would not accept R’s children because he wants to forget that R was in my life. He says life has given us a chance and we should take it. I am at a crossroads and must decide what to do. Please help.

Upset Woman

Dear Upset Woman,

You have everything going for you: a good husband who loves you and three children. Yet, you are thinking about blowing up your perfect life for a jerk who could not take a stand for you and let his parents choose a rich wife for him. With his wife out of the picture, he figures he will let you bring up his daughter, but doesn’t spare a thought about your children! What sort of a person can tell a mother to leave her children? The answer, obviously, is the kind of person J is. If J truly loved you, he wouldn’t think about destroying your set life and separating you from your children. My dear, the feelings you once had for J are a part of your past, and you should not let your past destroy your present life and future. You were hurt and more than that your ego was hurt, so J coming after you after all this time must be very satisfying for your ego, but think rationally. Had you really loved J, you would not have become happy with your husband soon after you got married. J wasn’t a good option then, and is certainly bad news now. He thinks children are accommodating so your children can live without you, but for his own children he has an excuse. Yes, children grow up and go their way; it’s a course of nature. But how does that justify abandoning them when they need you?

Don’t give up your beautiful life for J; he is not worth it. R has been good with you, and you must not hurt him by taking a rash action you would regret later. Give yourself some time to think it through. Think who has more to offer you, J or R. One wants to deprive you of your children, and the other stands for love and security. I am sure you would do the right thing.

Best of luck!

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Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

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