Mothers should not tolerate their boys’ aggressive behaviour by saying ‘boys will be boys’. Their boys could be the abusers of tomorrow...
Mothers should not tolerate their boys’ aggressive behaviour by saying ‘boys will be boys’. Their boys could be the abusers of tomorrow...
It was a pleasant Sunday afternoon as my kids and I had walked out of a cinema perched atop a local mall in a posh area. We decided to grab something to eat before we left, and headed for the food court. We found a table in the middle of the food court. We had just settled down when I heard a raised male voice right behind me and I saw a youngish man of average height wearing Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt, tailed by a taller man whose appearance was of no significance. I ignored them of course.
Soon after this the shorter man went and sat next to a girl and started talking. His posse sat on another table right behind, and now there was another man sitting with him who looked too decent and well-dressed to be with the other two men. As I began eating my meal, I caught snippets of the monologue which was punctured with abusive words from the man. But the words that got my full attention were threats to beat her. I turned around to look at the girl - she sat emotionless eating from her cup of ice-cream. And then he began slapping her. I tried to ignore them because sadly no one else moved from their seats. Nobody made an attempt to intervene and try to stop him.
After the first slap I was on my feet and on the second I began protesting but no one reacted. I stopped one of the waiters and asked him to call the security. Anyway, the man was becoming angrier. I kept calling out for him to stop and was joined with three other women who protested. Our voices were joined by another woman who was behind the counter of one of the eateries. And soon a lanky security personnel walked in and tried to talk to the man but his ‘friend’ shooed the security man away - who complied. However, on the protest of the women and myself, two security guards came over and asked the men and girl to leave. As they were leaving I stopped the girl and asked her to call the police but she refused and said it was no big deal.
After discussing this matter with a few people, they commented ‘maybe she is used to it’; ‘it was their personal matter, who were you to intervene’; ‘the woman must have been from a dubious background’.
Maybe all of the above were right, but sadly nobody actually cared that a woman was being abused in the middle of a public place. The other astounding thing is that the mall is located in a posh area, and security checks you from the moment you enter: they check your vehicle, your bags and your body (via walkthrough gates). But they let such incidents happen in a public place without taking serious steps. The question arises, why a beating incident like this was ignored by the mall’s security as well as the society that claims to be the pillar of piousness.
Unfortunately, violence against women and children is not only a social problem in Pakistan; this is prevalent across the world and seems to be increasing. According to United Nation Women’s facts sheet 2016, “Global estimates published by World Health Organisation (WHO) indicate that about 1 in 3 (35%) women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime.” The Fact sheet also states that 38% of murders of women in the world are committed by a male intimate partner. However, there are many reasons why men are abusive towards women and children but one of the basic reasons is that these victims are weak and seldom retaliate.
According to Jamshed M Kazi, Country Representative of UN Women in Pakistan, “As signatory to Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women (CEDAW), Pakistan is obliged not only to ensure de jure but also de facto equality of men and women. Therefore, it is one of the key state obligations to adopt comprehensive measures to end Violence Against Women (VAW), including formal (laws and regulations) and informal (societal attitudes towards VAW) sanctions against violence. While Government of Pakistan has made huge strides in aligning the domestic laws with CEDAW, the alarming increase in VAW in Pakistan clearly shows that laws alone are not enough. The legislative framework is most effective when implementation and monitoring mechanisms are in place and adequate provisions are made in national and provincial budgets to translate policy commitments into action.”
“At the same time, attitudinal change is required to end gender discrimination and inequality, which is the root cause of violence against women. UN Women has developed a global framework to prevent VAW, which underscores the importance of mitigating the risk factors such as history of exposure to violence in childhood, acceptance of violence and/or unequal traditional gender roles etc. There is a greater need than ever to invest in parental programmes for early prevention, and support targeted interventions for men and boys to promote healthy masculinities and equal relationships because VAW is preventable and it is everyone’s responsibility to end VAW,” adds Kazi.
Furthermore, abusers usually have the tendencies of being controlling and jealous. Such men try to isolate their partners and keep them dependent on themselves. Or they may have some personality disorders which go unnoticed in countries like Pakistan where health especially mental health is not a priority for the individual or society. Sadly, all this only accentuates the situation and provides the abuser a ‘legitimate victim’, i.e. his wife, to bear his abuse. If the girl asks for help from her family or discusses the abuse she faces from her husband, she is asked to ‘bear it like a good wife’ and is warned not to talk about it or it will bring ‘shame to the family’.
Parents, especially mothers, are well aware of ‘disorders’ or abusive tendencies of their children, especially boys. And they should not wave such behaviour away saying ‘boys will be boys’. Their boys could be the abusers of tomorrow. Parents need to monitor their child’s behaviour from a very early age and seek help if they see dangerous tendencies like bullying or needless aggression - verbal or physical - towards siblings or other children.
It is the parents, especially the mother’s responsibility to bring up balanced people and this process begins in early childhood. Mothers need to train their sons to be respectful to the weak and not hurt others for no reason. This may help them to grow up to be non-abusive especially towards women and children. Until the mothers don’t take this seriously their sons might grow up to be social monsters.
