MMXVII Sigh

Cover Story

Say what you will about 2017 but you have to admit one thing: it could have been way worse. To be fair, the poor year never really had a shot at being normal, what with the omnishambles it inherited from its predecessor, 2016. Irrespective of the strife though, humanity continued stumbling on, one peculiar day at a time, not sure where it was collectively going, but adamant as all heck to get there post-haste. Our resilience was tested, but, to our credit, our spirit was never broken.

Here’s a quick look at the salient events that shaped our world during the last twelve months:

January

Donald Trump’s inauguration: 2017 decided to officially appoint a reality television personality as the President of the United States early on in the year so that everything else that happened from then on would seem less bizarre in comparison. With Hilary still sulking about Wikileaks, Russian intervention, and the curse of the Deplorables, Donald Trump was inaugurated in January and immediately started ruffling feathers, starting with a travel ban on citizens from several Muslim-majority countries. Trump also withdrew the United States from the Trans-Pacific Partnership (January), the Paris Agreement on climate change (June), and UNESCO (October). And for an encore, 45 decided to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel (December) because no hornet’s nest should be left unpoked. Protests and marches – some in record numbers – ensued.

Parachinar bombing: Senseless acts of violence broke our hearts a number of times during the year as the menace of terrorism sadly continued to plague the world, including our country. An explosion at a vegetable market claimed 25 innocent lives in Parachinar (January). A suicide bombing at the Shrine of Lal Shahbaz Qalander resulted in the deaths of over 90 people in Sehwan (February). 18 lives were lost in an attack on the Mall Road (February) and 26 people were killed in another bombing in a vegetable market (July) in Lahore. A series of bombings led to over 90 deaths in Quetta and Parachinar (June). And an attack by suicide bombers on a church left nine people dead in Quetta (December).

February

North Korea crisis: Under the leadership of His Supremeness Marshal Kim Jong-un The Amazing, North Korea conducted several missile and then nuclear tests throughout the year, and ended up trading barbs with His Orangeness Donald Trump as the situation escalated. Meanwhile, the Jong-un-est-of-them-all continued his quest to systematically exterminate all humanity, including his own family members (allegedly having his elder half-brother Kim Jong-nam assassinated in Malaysia in February), tourists (American student Otto Warmbier, released in a comatose state after 17 months in captivity in North Korea, died in June six days after his return to the U.S.), and anyone who questions His Awesomeness. He is on a quest but hasn’t actually achieved his goals of annihilation yet.

89th Academy Awards: First La La Land won the Best Picture award. Then, two minutes later, Moonlight won the Best Picture award. And then everyone spent the rest of the year arguing about whether La La Land or Moonlight should have won the Best Picture award.

The other main winners at the ceremony included Damien Chazelle (Best Director, La La Land), Casey Affleck (Best Actor, Manchester by the Sea), Emma Stone (Best Actress, La La Land), Mahershala Ali (Best Supporting Actor, Moonlight), and Viola Davis (Best Supporting Actress, Fences).

March

Pippa Middleton’s wedding: The sister of a woman who married a man who is the son of the son of a woman whose ancestors somehow managed to convince their country that they were superior to everyone else … married some rich guy. This classified as news in 2017.

Also, the aforementioned woman who married a man who is the son of the son of the woman who just happened to be born into a posh family … conceived another child. This qualified as a noteworthy piece of information in 2017 (September).

Also, the brother of the aforementioned man who is the son of the son of the woman who heads an archaic and utterly irrelevant institution … got engaged to a subpar actress. This made headlines in 2017 (November).

All of which leaves us to wonder … maybe nuclear annihilation by North Korea wouldn’t be such a bad thing after all.

Famine in Western Asia and Africa: Up to 20 million people faced the risk of starvation and famine in Yemen, Somalia, South Sudan, and Nigeria, the biggest humanitarian crisis since World War II. But enough about that. Let’s talk about the British royals some more. What shade of lipstick should Meghan wear at her wedding? Discuss.

April

Mashal Khan lynching: Student Mashal Khan was killed on the premises of the Abdul Wali Khan University in Mardan by a mob over fake allegations of posting blasphemous content online in an incident so shocking that it baffles just to think about the fact that members of our own species are capable of such barbaric brutality.

Nangarhar airstrike: With the goal of destroying tunnels being used by Islamic State militants, the United States dropped the largest non-nuclear bomb in its arsenal, the GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast (MOAB) – a.ka. the Mother of All Bombs – in the Achin District in eastern Afghanistan, because it is obviously a good idea to drop a 21,000 pound bomb somewhere – anywhere – on this planet. A very sensible and responsible move, America. Thumbs up!

Fidget spinner popularity: Glorified ball bearings took over the world with the mystifying popularity of fidget spinners. Sales of the toy that supposedly relieves stress spiked as the phenomenon conquered the globe. Everyone and their dog succumbed to the craze, leaving the rest of us scoffing at the popularity of this utterly ridiculous fad while we gleefully twirled the spinner in our own hands.

‘Despacito’ release: Puerto Rican singers Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee released the song ‘Despacito’ in January and it became a minor hit that would have come and gone like countless songs before it … until April, when Justin Bieber appeared on a stupid remix of that stupid song and sent it through the stratosphere, making sure we had to listen to it 50 million times over the next few months. And now, if we ever hear even a damn snippet of that damn song again, we are going to punch someone in the face.

May

Manchester Arena bombing: A bomb detonated as concertgoers were leaving the Manchester Arena following a gig by American singer Ariana Grande; 22 people were killed and 512 injured. Two weeks later, Grande returned with many of her famous friends to host One Love Manchester, a benefit concert that saw the city come together in a beautiful show of solidarity and resilience.

Music fans were also targeted in America in October, when a gunman opened fire on a crowd of concertgoers in Las Vegas, killing 58 and injuring 546 in the deadliest mass shooting by a lone gunman in U.S. history.

Other horrors caused by terrorists during 2017 included two simultaneous attacks in Tehran, Iran (17 dead, 43 wounded) in June; a massive blast caused by a truck bombing in Mogadishu, Somalia (512 killed, 316 injured) in October; and a mosque attack in Sinai, Egypt (305 worshippers killed, over 100 wounded) in November.

June

2017 ICC Champions Trophy: Relishing our unending ability to confuse the cricketing world with our consistently inconsistent form, Pakistan won the 2017 Champions Trophy. The cherry on the unexpected victory sundae? Beating India in the final. By 180 runs! The largest margin ever in the final of an ICC ODI tournament!

Yes. Really.

The Pakistani cricket team – mastering the art of unpredictability since 1952.

July

Chester Bennington’s death: Depression extinguished another bright, beautiful light when Linkin Park singer Chester Bennington committed suicide at the age of 41, two months after the suicide of his friend Chris Cornell who died at the age of 53.

Now would be a good time to go hug your loved ones. I’ll wait …

Done? Good.

Nawaz Sharif disqualification: With the Sharif clan under investigation for various corruption charges (to the absolute shock of absolutely no one), the leader of PML-N Nawaz Sharif was disqualified and barred from public office, leading to his resignation from the position of the Prime Minister of Pakistan, helping the country maintain its 100 percent record of uncompleted tenures – not a single prime minister of the country has ever managed to finish their five year term in the country’s 70 year history.

August

Neutron star collision: I was searching, you were on a mission, then our hearts combined like a neutron star colli … wait, we aren’t talking about the Muse song? This one was an astronomy breakthrough with the first observation of an actual collision of two neutron stars? Oh. Oh well. *goes back to humming the Muse song*

Rohingya persecution in Myanmar: The Myanmar military’s crackdown on Rohingya people, mostly Muslims, forced an estimated 600,000 refugees to flee the country. Nearly 6,700 Rohingya people were killed in August. The situation drew criticism and condemnation around the world, and Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi, was widely criticized for her passivity on the issue.

Hurricanes: Nature’s fury unleashed in August, as the Category 4 Hurricane Harvey struck the United States causing catastrophic damage. The following month, the Category 5 Hurricane Irma hit the Caribbean, followed two weeks later by the Category 5 Hurricane Maria that struck Dominica and Puerto Rico, all causing deaths, damages, and destruction.

Ruth Pfau’s death: The extraordinary Ruth Pfau, the German-born Pakistani humanitarian who established 157 leprosy clinics across Pakistan, passed away in August at the age of 87.

September

Oumuamua’s visit: The unpronounceable Oumuamua asteroid became the first known interstellar object to pass through our Solar System. Scientists discovered it in September when it was already heading away from the Sun. The asteroid is assumed to have looked at the condition of planet Earth from a distance and just said “nope” before quickly deciding to make a swift 20,000 year exit from our Solar System.

Meanwhile, Cassini–Huygens completed its very successful 13-year mission to study Saturn and its satellites, ending its voyage in September – nearly 20 years after it was launched – by plunging into the ringed planet.

iPhone X announced: Apple unveiled its most expensive smartphone, iPhone X (ten), marking the tenth anniversary of the iconic device. The smartphone was announced in September and released in November, giving us two months to come up with its US$1000 price money which was easy enough to do because who needed that second kidney anyway.

Punjab Nahi Jaungi release: Romantic comedy Punjab Nahi Jaungi was met with positive reviews upon its release and ultimately ended up becoming not only the most successful Pakistani film of the year but also the most successful Pakistani film of all time. Directed by Nadeem Beyg, the Lollywood hit has raked in an estimated PKR50 crore (~US$4.5 million). Other prominent local releases of 2017 included the comedy sequel Na Maloom Afraad 2 (September), the long-delayed Yalghaar (June), the middling Mehrunisa V Lub U (June), and the controversial Verna (November).

October

Harvey Weinstein scandal: A barrage of sexual abuse allegations against Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein led to his ouster from his film company. The dozens of woman who took a stand against Weinstein also inspired other victims to come forward and expose their abusers, sparking the global #MeToo movement and setting off a wave of similar misconduct allegations against other powerful men in every field. In America, actors (including Kevin Spacey, Jeffrey Tambor, Louis C.K.), filmmakers (Brett Ratner, James Toback), television figures (Charlie Rose, Mark Halperin, Matt Lauer), politicians (John Conyers, Al Franken, Roy Moore), and chefs (Mario Batali, John Besh) were among the many, many men who were accused of inappropriate behaviour and most of whom were removed from their positions. Meanwhile, a man accused of sexual misconduct and unwanted advances by more than a dozen women continued to be the president of the country.

In Pakistan, former PTI member MNA Ayesha Gulalai accused the party’s leader Imran Khan (August) of harassment and was instantly subjected to victim blaming and shaming in a textbook display of #WhyWomenDontComeForward. The scenario pretty much repeated itself when Ayesha Ahad spoke about PML-N MPA Hamza Shahbaz’s alleged abuse (August?). And Pakistan women’s national hockey team’s former goalkeeper Syeda Sadia accused the team’s head coach, Saeed Khan, of harassment (October); her teammate, Iqra Javed, came forward in her support and was promptly dropped from the squad.

November

Iran-Iraq earthquake: A devastating 7.3 magnitude earthquake in the border region between Iraq and Iran left at least 530 dead and over 70,000 homeless. Earlier in the year (September), a magnitude 7.1 earthquake in central Mexico killed more than 350, left up to 6,000 injured, and thousands more homeless.

Robert Mugabe resignation: The 37 year rule of the tyrannical Robert Mugabe came to an end after he was forced to resign from the presidency following military intervention in Zimbabwe.

Paradise Papers leak: 13.4 million confidential documents leaked from the Appleby law firm revealed the offshore financial activities on behalf of politicians, corporate giants, business leaders, and celebrities. The revelation that rich people and companies avoid millions and billions of dollars in taxes using offshore companies did not surprise anyone anywhere.

New orangutan species discovery: A small population of orangutans in South Tapanuli was identified as a distinct species in 2017. With only 800 individuals, the Tapanuli orangutan became the rarest great ape in the world.

Faizabad sit-in: A dharna over the changes in the Elections Bill 2017 brought the country to a brief standstill.

Salvator Mundi sale: Salvator Mundi, a painting that either was or wasn’t – but, like, really wasn’t – painted by Leonardo da Vinci was sold for US$450 million at an auction in New York, setting a new record for the most money ever wasted over the most expensive painting ever sold. The artwork was purchased by a Saudi prince on behalf of the Abu Dhabi Department of Culture & Tourism and will be on display at the Louvre Abu Dhabi.

Reputation release: Fuelled by her beefs with Kimye, Katy Perry, her many, many exs, and seemingly about half of the world’s population, Taylor Swift made Reputation (one of the songs on which featured her friend Ed Sheeran, who also had a big year with his uber-popular album ÷).

 It became the highest selling album of the year within weeks of its release, leaving us to ask … where’s that North Korean missile when you need it? #JustKidding #ChoosePacifismEven WhenTheyMakeYourEarsBleed #WhyAmIUsingHashtagsInAnArticleLikeACompleteMoron?

Speaking of morons, the members of The Recording Academy thought Adele’s 25 was better than Beyoncé’s Lemonade, giving the Album of the Year award to the Brit (one of her five wins) at the 59th Annual Grammy Awards earlier in the year (February). Even Adele was baffled by their ridiculousness and pretty much Kanyed herself in her acceptance speech by acknowledging at length just how “monumental” Beyoncé’s record was.

December

Star Wars: The Last Jedi release: The money minting machine that is the Star Wars franchise gave us its VIIIth instalment in the year’s most anticipated cinematic release: Star Wars: The Last Jedi. By the time you read these words, the film will have grossed approximately one umptysquiddlyzillion US dollars.

The other big successes of the year included Beauty and the Beast ($1.26 billion worldwide gross), The Fate of the Furious ($1.239 billion), and Despicable Me 3 ($1.033 billion).

ISIS defeat: It was the beginning of the end of ISIS’s self-styled caliphate in the Middle East, as Iraq’s territory was “fully liberated” from “ISIS terrorist gangs”, so at least something good came out of the year.

Women continued persisting; Britain continued Brexiting; fake news continued spreading; and the world continued spinning in 2017.

Here’s hoping 2018 brings with it less divisiveness, more happiness, and better tiding all around.

Happy New Year, everyone!

(Now go hug your loved ones once again.)