“Have you been to X hospital? Dr Y, who works there, is so attractive! You should go. Seriously. Just to see him.”
SPEAK OUT
“Oh my God! Yeah, she’s such a-!”
“Have you been to X hospital? Dr Y, who works there, is so attractive! You should go. Seriously. Just to see him.”
“No! Really? He said that?”
“Well, you know how bigoted they are. Of course, they were going to…”
“You know, we were in London and we ran into her, and she looked so haggard. She’s really aged badly. So much plastic surgery, na. I tou just use local, organic products. So much better for your skin.”
If, like me, you also seek out third spaces to work, unwind, or simply create a break in your day between home and work – or if you frequent any shared public space such as a cinema, a café, a gallery, or even a doctor’s waiting room – you are probably familiar with the source of my vexation: the loud, entitled, rude, and entirely unabashed-about-it crowd.
The scientific name for them is Molestus Stulti. In plain parlance, this species of Pakistani people can be described as members of the imaginary clubs we all know too well: ‘Brats for Blaring Babel’, ‘Hubbub Hooligans’, and ‘The Society for Shattering Stillness’.
It is well known that these clubs are highly exclusive, and any information about their motives and goals can only be obtained by painfully enduring their presence and interpreting their observed – or rather, inflicted – behaviour.
Entry into the fold is contingent on (most of the time; the rules are arbitrary, and there are always exceptions to the rule anyway) being born with a sense of absolute entitlement and superiority to all humankind; having this reinforced through one’s school, social circle, socio-economic factors and social media; an essential disregard for the rights of others in shared spaces; being deathly afraid of manners and basic politeness (these being the most distressing and disturbing bogeymen for the Molestus Stulti); equating loud, unpleasant noise with a good time; being willing to violate others’ personal space; considering the concepts of ‘empathy’ or ‘accountability’ to be purely words belonging to an ancient language, lost to mankind long, long, long ago.
The Molestus Stulti exists in large numbers and possibly makes up the majority. They thrive on making shared public spaces unbearably unpleasant. When confronted about their obnoxious behaviour, most of them are unable to comprehend what has been said to them. This lack of comprehension is not due to language, tone, or volume; rather, they are unable to process anything that implies that someone could have the audacity to hold them accountable or question their entitlement.
Don’t want to be deafened by others’ personal conversations? Don’t want intimate details and salacious gossip about people you don’t know and will never meet? Don’t want someone pushing, shoving or standing uncomfortably close to you? Don’t want screaming pre-school aged children running around the cinema while you’re watching a film? Don’t want your fellow film viewers answering their mobile phones in the cinema? Don’t want someone kicking your seat? Don’t want to be a part of a stranger’s next Instagram or TikTok reel? My deepest sympathies, fellow seeker of calm and consideration: you’d do best to stay home.
The loud, shamelessly proud, and pompous crowd is, unfortunately, immune to modification. I, for one, have no hope for the birth of respect for shared spaces or even the faintest trace of general consideration. Once upon a time, classrooms would lapse into ashamed silence when teachers compared the noise to a ‘fish market’. Now, it would probably roll off like water off a duck’s back.
Oh, how I long for the return of basic public etiquette!
