Self doubt is the mother of all insecurities. It attacks very early in life usually between the ages of three to eight years of age. How and who inflicts this wound upon the child? Who does the child interact with at such a tender age! Of course, parents followed by the teachers at the play school. Look around to find amongst your co-workers the unassured, and discover that this individual, would have had as a child to bear with either an abusive or disturbed parent as teacher. So the seeds of insecurity are sown very early in life. Its harvest is for a life time if it remains unaltered or unchecked.
The growing up years experience has a significant impact on the creation and growth of self doubting thoughts, fears and feelings. A curt remark by the kindergarten teacher, ‘you are always wrong’; a parent’s remark, ‘you are no good’ or an older cousin’s remark, ‘you are timid and scared’ all go to inflict great damage upon the young mind. The child actually begins to accept them as great truths. The fear sets in. ‘Our doubts are our traitors’ (William Shakespeare).
The prominent hallmark of self doubt is general insecurity in any or all situations; indecision and the show stopper, hesitation. Adults refuse to recognise their own correctable powers. Self-doubt is a Frankenstein of the mind- self created. The obsession with fear of reaction, rejection and criticism holds back all new initiatives of an individual. It is the job of a parent, a teacher and a manager to dispel this thought process and offer assurances that would go towards building of ‘self confidence’. A continuous cultivation of this thought can lead to the banishment of self doubt. To handle self doubt beat incessantly the inside man to pulp who nags constantly and says “you can’t do it”. Failure is because you think you are a failure. Deny it.
Charles Dickens, the globally read and celebrated writer, as a child told his father, he wants to own some day, the hill top perched villa, called, ‘Gladys’s Hill’. They were poor. The father did not rebuke Dickens, instead said, you can have it, only if you persevere. Dickens, did not for once, doubt the meaning, import and significance of the word, ‘persevere’. Despite rejections all around for all his manuscripts, he did not harbour any self doubt, that he wasn’t a good writer, instead I believe that on every rejection he must have said to himself, ‘still can’t find a good reader and a good publisher.’ He never gave up. The consequences, in history he is one of the greatest writer of the 19th Century who continues to be republished and read, till now and will so, in future. Never let self-doubt take root, inside you.
As said, the lack of faith in oneself, can be induced by parents, teachers and environment; and at the workplace, it is the quality of the supervisor that goes to determine, if self-doubt is fortified or if it is rendered to crumble by positive manifestation of encouragement. A manager can help his colleagues to discover their ‘self’ and its potential. The trust in the abilities of colleagues is demonstrated by passing on challenging tasks and more importantly to manage and supervise them from a distance- no attempt at mollycoddling. There is no defeat except from within. (Emerson)
The key to possession of having positive self esteem is to have a good opinion about oneself without the accompaniment of bragging or any signs of haughtiness. Such attitude takes away self doubt. To command others one has to command himself, he who is master of his own self is bound to be master of others.
As a passion, held since childhood years, I always wanted to write for newspapers. While at school I kept sending handwritten contributions to many editors; on an average only two out of a dozen contributions would find themselves in print. I would get depressed. I would start to doubt and say to myself; I aint good at writing (a belief held even today). But my father would say no; you write pretty well, you are obviously not up to the standards of the respectable editors; so maybe you need to improve further your skills. I believed. I persisted. The editors finally became generous.
The method of removing self doubt is to recount frequently to yourself, ‘it all depends upon me,’ nobody can give or take away natural or even acquired skills. Everything in life has to be learnt, earned and acquired. Train to control your self conversations that speak to you within and say do not attempt anything new because it cannot be achieved. The self-conversations must be controlled and harnessed towards building of confidence and removal of self doubting tendencies.
Even the best public speakers are filled with self doubt before approaching the podium. They have in their stomachs too all the butterflies. So there is no harm to have some self doubt only if it propels a positive action towards greater improvements in whatever task is to be achieved.
Only last week I was interviewing young graduates for the blue chip position of management trainee. I came across a young lad who exuded amazing confidence and spoke in flawless English covering his past scholastics and future expectations. I found his ‘confidence’ harbouring on arrogance and I remarked to him, so you seem to be a very haughty person- so full of yourself’. Firstly, he disarmed me by a smile and then by a subtle lowering of the shoulders he said, “Sir as a child and teenager I was afflicted with stammering and that too a really bad one.” I immediately asked, “do you fear your father the most?” He said with honesty, ‘yes’. The parental destruction of self confidence and its consequent replacement by self doubt is the most ignored aspect of self development. So how did you overcome the stammering and impediment of speech? I asked. The candidate said, “I decided to overcome this obstacle, started meeting loads of people outside the home environment, I started to gather courage and confidence and the stammering just went away.” Having qualified from one of the country’s best business school he stood hired. A double victory who conquers himself of small faults are not corrected the great will never too.
Replace self-doubt by training towards self confidence. Take cognisance of how you hold your head high but not arrogantly; the pace of your walk and the gesticulations you make during meeting and conversations. All of these either represent self-doubt or otherwise. Again my father would often guide me to speak to him as if he were my student and I should adorn the professor’s hat and stance. He held the belief that professors speak with clarity in short and well structured sentences. It has helped me. All swans will turn to geese without putting effort in building self confidence. Is there a need to ask for crusts when you have the bread upon your parlour? Discover yourself. Depend on yourself than on other or even the environment. To have the fruit learn to climb the tree!
Examine your own mindset. Is it fixed or growth oriented. People with growth mind succeed in life by acquiring new skills and are never shy to challenge themselves to become better.
Always raise your hand to be counted. There is never a room for subdued behaviour. Don’t look to hide behind real or perceived smoke screens. Never hesitate to hold the bull of self-doubt by its horns; take on and convert it into an opportunity.
The writer is a senior banker and freelance columnist
