Dear Nadine Khan,
My problem may seem to be very small to you, but it is really driving me crazy. After completing my education, I got a very good job as I was a gold medallist. On my very first day at work, I saw this very cute girl and became enchanted with her. One day, I called her and told her that I was in love with her and wanted to marry her. She told me that she liked me as a colleague, but was already engaged to her cousin. But, she also said that she would like to maintain friendly terms with me as she didn’t want any awkwardness between us at workplace. This made my love stronger and I decided to accept this as a challenge to get her. It took two years for me to get invited to her house. When I went to her house, she told me that her fiancé left her for another girl. She asked me if I was still interested in her, and I was overjoyed. I love her so much that I call her ‘Zindagi’, as she is my life. I accepted her proposal joyfully with the condition that she would completely forget her past. She promised me that she would love me forever. I asked for her picture to show to my parents, and they were also happy for me. They wanted to go to her house to meet her parents, but she said that her parents were not aware of our love and she would tell them everything after her exams. I agreed to even this but after a month, all of a sudden she stopped talking to me, and became very rude. I asked her what was wrong, and she said that nothing was wrong but she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I have tried everything in my power to forget her, but I just cannot get her out of my mind. I can’t live without her. I don’t know what I have done wrong, so I cannot even make things right in any way. I have tried to apologise to her repeatedly for my inadvertent mistakes, but she just does not listen to me and tells me to forget her. What should I do?
You are in love with this girl, but it is very clear that she doesn’t love you at all. When her fiancé dumped her for another girl, she decided to hook you and you were gullible enough to believe in her lies. It is possible that she found someone else she likes better, or has made up with her ex-fiancé. She used you and discarded you in a very heartless way since she didn’t need you anymore.
Stop trying to apologise to her for mistakes you didn’t make and move on. You don’t have to forget her if you can’t but don’t run after someone who is so obviously heartless. Whenever you happen to think of her, remember that she deceived you and broke your heart. She has no heart or morals, and you are better off without her. Give yourself some time to get over her. The fact that she dumped you so easily should stir up some righteous anger in you. If you can’t find someone else by yourself, ask your mother to choose a nice girl for you. Once you are married, your wife and children will become your life and you will not even remember that girl. Good luck!
Dear Professor Nadine,
I am a 30-year-old working girl. I have been working and supporting my family for six years now. I contributed substantially in the weddings of my elder sister and elder brother, as I earn really well. But, because of this, my parents don’t want me to get married. In the last two years, my parents have turned down five very good proposals for me. My father told me that since my brother is a lazy person who works on and off, they can’t let me get married. My father gets pension which is enough for him and my mother to get by. My father has also rented out two rooms on the first floor to students. But, it’s my brother who cannot fend for himself. His wife is also educated, but she doesn’t work as they have two children. I feel as if my only worth to my parents is the money I earn. They are not bothered about my happiness or future. My married sister also tried to talk to my father to convince him to accept the last proposal that came for me, but my father refused to listen to her and told her to mind her own business. She was so heartbroken that she has not visited my parents since the spat. Am I being mean and selfish? They do need my money, and they did raise me and educated me.
Can I get married without my parents’ permission? My colleague, J, wants to marry me. He is a very decent guy and I have known him for three years. He sent his parents with his proposal, but my parents turned it down. J has refused to concede defeat, and he wants me to be brave as well. He has said we should have nikkah in the presence of his family, but I am not sure if I can do it legally.
I’ve done a lot of reading about all this on the net but cannot find a reliable source as far as religion is concerned. Also, a friend told me that if I marry someone without my parents’ permission, they can get the marriage annulled. Kindly advise me what to do.
Dear Concerned Aries,
Your parents are being very selfish by rejecting good proposals just because they think they will lose the money you give them. You should talk to them and try to make them see light. How about assuring them that you would continue to support them financially? If they are only scared about losing the money you give them, they may relent. Also, talk to your brother and ask him to mend his ways. His wife should be able to work as well if your mother can look after her grandchildren. If you keep on supporting your brother’s family unconditionally, your brother will continue to be lazy and irresponsible.
You are not being mean or selfish at all. It was the duty of your parents to raise you and give you proper education. And, to almost all parents it’s a labour of love. Besides, you have been supporting your family for a while and there is no reason why you cannot continue to do so after getting married.
There is a solution to every problem; sometimes we don’t like it, but have to accept it if we don’t have another alternative. You are an adult and legally well within your right to marry whoever you want. Your parents cannot get the marriage annulled because you are not underage. A woman can marry a suitable person against her parents’ wishes if they withhold their consent without a proper reason. In that case, a judge can assume guardianship and marry the girl to her intended. However, it’s better to try and win the consent of your parents to avoid bad blood and scandal. If they don’t agree, you can ask your sister to attend your nikkah. Good luck!
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