Letters

Dear Professor,

I am a 34-year-old man, and I am the only offspring of my parents. I got married three years ago to the girl I had been in love with since we got admission in the medical college. R was beautiful and fun, and we were in the same clinical group. After doing our house job, we got married and there was no resistance to our match from either side. The problems started soon after we started our respective jobs. My mother is old and expected my wife to take over the household responsibility, but R is also a full-time working doctor, and is never home before 7 pm. We have a full-time maid and a part-time one who comes in for cleaning the house. So there really is no need for R to work, but my mother wants her to supervise the maids, which R does on weekends. But, during weekdays, it’s the maid who makes food and who used to make the food before I got married. Still, my mother doesn’t like it. Professor, I realise how demanding a doctor’s work is, but my mother says that we don’t need R’s income and she should either cut her hours or quit her job and start our family. Now R is not willing to quit her job or cut her working hours. She says she knows she will have to cut her hours when we have a child, but before that she won’t.

I don’t know why mother has become so rigid about R’s work. She is the most loving and caring mother, but with R her personality changes completely. She gives her cutting remarks and now R has also started answering back. The difference is that R is educated, so she says the most cutting things gently and with a smile whereas my mother shouts at her so loudly that I am sure our neighbours know exactly what is happening in our house. There is no peace in the house and the only time I am at peace is when I am at work. I love both women in my life, and want them to get along. I have asked my father to intercede, but so far he does not want to get involved in what he calls ‘domestic violence’. I know my mother is the one who started the war, but I cannot say anything to her! As it is she feels I am completely under my wife’s spell. What can I do?

Disgruntled Husband

Dear Disgruntled Husband,

You married R knowing full well the demands of her profession, and it seems you don’t have any problem with her work routine. You should talk to your mother and tell her that your wife’s work is important to her, so it is important for you, as well. Your mother knows R is a doctor and her work is important. Also, it’s not that she doesn’t want to do anything, as she tries to do what she can on weekends. She is a sensible girl, and knows her priorities. That’s why she has told you she would cut her hours after you have a child, but before that there is no reason why she should sacrifice her professional life. Your father probably doesn’t want to get on your mother’s bad side, but you should try to persuade him to talk some sense into your mother. It’s your mother who needs to change her mindset, so you and your father must make her realise that she is behaving like typical, jealous mothers-in-law, and is spoiling the environment of the house. I understand your problem; you don’t want to hurt your mother by telling her to let R do what she wants, but you can get your point of view across without being rude, in a loving manner. You have to be firm about it and tackle the problem now, or your entire life will be spent in a war zone. So be firm, and make your mother understand your position now. Best of luck!