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By You Desk
Tue, 02, 19

I am a 23-year-old girl. I have one brother and a sister who is married. I completed my graduation few months....

Hi Nadine,

I am a 23-year-old girl. I have one brother and a sister who is married. I completed my graduation few months back and since in my family girls are not allowed to work, I am learning cooking and stitching. I live in a joint family setup with my grandparents, two uncles and their families. My father is the youngest in his family and respects my uncles and their wives a lot. My aunts, however, are jealous of my mother as she is very beautiful, and an outsider. My aunts are real sisters, and my father was supposed to marry their youngest sister. My father fell in love with my mother when they were in medical college. My grandparents, uncles and aunts did their best to keep my father from marrying my mother, but my father threatened to leave the house. So, my grandfather had to give in, which made my aunts very angry and they never accepted my mother and by extension her children. My mother had to give up her career to marry my father. She had a very tough life and it’s only been a couple of years that my grandmother has stopped bullying her. The sad thing is that my father never supported my mother after their marriage. My grandmother and aunts treated my mother badly in front of him, but he never spoke up for her. My aunts hate me and my siblings; my grandmother is mean to my sister and me, but is all right with my brother. In this situation, my older uncle’s son proposed to me. I said no right away because his mother hates me, but he was persistent, and I also fell in love with him. He is 29 years old and has a good job. When he told his mother that he wanted to marry me, she was so angry that she started yelling at me and my mother. She said I snared her son the way my mom did with my father. Throughout all this drama, my father just sat and did not say a word. But two weeks after that, he informed my grandmother that his friend who lives in Australia has asked him for my hand for his son. At this, my cousin again spoke to his parents and I don’t know how but he persuaded them. My uncle talked to my father, but my father refused him straight away very firmly. He told my mom that he wouldn’t want history repeating itself. He said my cousin is not strong and would not be able to stand up for me. Nadine, I am ready to take a chance because I love my cousin, but even though my mom told my father about my feelings, he didn’t relent. He said my aunt would be worse than my grandmother as mother-in-law. What should I do? Please guide me.

Stressed and Upset

Dear Stressed and Upset,

You have seen your mother’s life, and also witnessed your father’s inability to support and protect her, so you should not let your heart rule and think hard. Your father was unable to protect you people because he was probably made to feel guilty for marrying your mother. To begin with, before your cousin approached you, you were not in love with him, and even declined his proposal. It was only when he persevered that you ‘also fell in love with him’, which means that may be your feelings for him are not strong enough and you can back off.

My dear, think logically. Your father knows his family, and if he feels you will not be happy, you should heed him. If he thinks his nephew is like him then it’s better to give him a wide berth. As it is, your aunt dislikes you, and if you are married to her son against her will, she will make your life hell. The woman who treated her brother-in-law’s wife so badly would be doubly vicious to her daughter-in-law, especially since she already hates you.

Talk to your mother; I am sure she will tell you how difficult it is to live with little or no self-respect. So, even if you are upset now, I am sure in time you will forget him and will be thankful to your father for saving you from a bad married life. Good luck!