Letters

Dear Nadine Khan,

I am a 30-year-old man, gainfully employed and quite independent financially. I am the eldest son of my parents, and have two sisters and a brother. I met a girl at a business meeting and very soon we became close. Unfortunately, we both belong to conservative families where love marriages are not allowed. My parents wanted me to marry my 18-year-old cousin whereas, S, the girl I love, was ordered by her parents to marry her 41-year-old ex brother-in-law. S's sister died in childbirth, leaving three children behind. Her family and her brother-in-law's parents wanted her to marry her former brother-in-law so she could bring up her nieces and nephew. When S refused and told her mother she wanted to marry me, her mother beat her up and told her to resign and sit at home. She confiscated S's cell phone and didn't even allow her to serve the notice period. Without S's consent, her parents fixed the date for nikah. Throughout this crisis, I was in contact with S, thanks to her younger brother, who is a sensible and enlightened young man. We both realised that our families would not agree to our marriage and decided to exercise our right to choose our own spouse. With the help of her brother, we managed to get her away from her house and got married.

Our families cut us off. After one year, we were blessed with twins and when I called my parents from the hospital, they came immediately. They are now fine with us, and we have moved with them. Three years have passed but S's parents are not relenting. We have both been trying to make them forgive us, but it's not working. We still love each other and our twins have made our bond even stronger. The problem is that S is very depressed. She feels guilty because she knows her community gave her parents a very tough time when she married me. She misses her parents a lot, and her brother also cannot meet her in public. She has spells of headache when she is unable to do anything. Sometimes she doesn't eat for two to three days, and if I try to make her eat, she vomits. She cries a lot when I am not around, and she thinks I don't realise it. I want to resolve this issue, but don't know how. I have approached her father at his business place twice, and was told to leave by his peon. We went to her house many times, but they didn't let us in. What else can I do? Please give me some advice I can actually use.

Traumatised Husband

Dear Traumatised Husband,

Firstly, S should not feel guilty because she did not do anything wrong. She was being coerced into a marriage she didn't want. Nikah of an adult female is not valid if she is made to consent by force, according to our religion. Since S had made it clear she did not want to marry her brother-in-law, her parents had no right to force her. She should pray to God to give her peace of mind and keep trying for reconciliation with her parents. Ask her to keep calling them. Try involving your parents also. Ask your father to speak to S's father. They cannot remain angry forever, and will hopefully relent. Until then, get S some professional help to deal with depression because she needs to look after her children and live her life. You can also keep impressing on her the importance of remaining stable mentally for the sake of the family and herself. Most importantly, keep stressing the fact that God has given her children and she is responsible for their wellbeing, so she must push her guilt away with determination and concentrate on bringing up her children. She took a stand for what she believed in, and sometimes high price has to be paid for what you want badly. She now has a family of her own, and although her parents and siblings are no doubt very important to her, but so are you and your children. Keep reminding her that. Good luck!