close
You

Letters

By You Desk
Tue, 10, 17

I am a twenty-eight-year old school teacher. I am the only daughter of my parents and have three brothers. I am single and because of that everyone in my family keeps taunting me.

Dear Nadine,

I am a twenty-eight-year old school teacher. I am the only daughter of my parents and have three brothers. I am single and because of that everyone in my family keeps taunting me. At every family event, my aunts, cousins and other relatives keep asking me about my marriage plan as if it’s in my hand. In our family, girls are not permitted to marry outside the community but boys can. So, there are very few options available for me. I have three proposals: a married cousin, 40 years of age, with kids. This guy’s wife is sick and can’t look after her house. Basically, what they want is a nanny for the kids and an unpaid housekeeper. Then there is this person who went for higher studies and returned with a daughter. His parents say that his wife asked for divorce, as she was not willing to live in Pakistan. The third is a 38-year-old bachelor who was unable to marry as his father died early. He had to marry off two of his sisters. And then there is this proposal that my parents are not considering. This guy is 32 years old, and is the brother of one of my sisters-in-law. The problem is that he is not from our community, so my parents say they can’t accept his proposal.

I am not getting any younger, and had there not been this last proposal, I probably would have considered the three proposals from my family and community. However, when I have a suitable and decent proposal, I don’t want to marry anyone who has been married before. My parents are already furious with the wife of my eldest brother who brought the proposal of her brother. I have always been close with my eldest sister-in-law; she is educated, caring and decent, but I had no idea that my bhabi wanted me for her brother D. My parents suspect that I am involved with D, which is not true. I have met him a couple of times casually in family gatherings, and was courteous because he is bhabi’s brother, but I never thought of getting married to him. My bhabi told my parents that nothing is going on between D and me, but my parents did not believe her. They constantly scold me and taunt me for dishonouring them. The situation is quite stressful for me. At times, I think I should take a stand for my future happiness and tell my parents I would not marry anyone else except D. Then I think this would be, in a way, accepting their charge that I am involved with him. My brothers are being very supportive and have promised to help me all the way. They think that I should have a nikah ceremony and then inform my parents, before they do something drastic like announcing to the family that they have accepted the proposal of any of the three. My brothers don’t like the idea of me getting married to someone not compatible just because he belongs to our family. I am worried that my parents would cut me off if I marry D. What should I do, Nadine? I don’t want to lose my parents but I don’t want to marry any of the available males in my family.

Anxious A

Dear Anxious A,

It’s extremely sad that in today’s day and time, people still, unreasonably, hold their family traditions above the happiness and well being of their own children. And it is sadder that still it is girls who suffer because of these unfair practises, but rules are bent for men. Since you have a better option than the ones your parents are considering, you should stand your ground and tell your parents you would not marry any of the three who have sent their proposal. You are very lucky because you have your brothers’ support. Since your parents are not listening to you, it’s best if you leave the matter in the hands of your brother. Let them try to persuade your parents. Your parents would probably not make any announcement to the family as all your brothers are against the three proposals, but if they remain adamant, you have the right to choose what you feel is better for you. Hopefully, your parents will not cut you off forever if you marry D. However, this should be the last resort, and done only if all else fails.

My dear, marriage without parents consent is not a step that should be taken lightly, but in your case your parents’ perspective is not correct and you have the right to do what is best for you. Good luck!