Letters

 Hi Nadine,

I am a 35-year-old married woman, and I have three children. I am a doctor by profession while my husband, W, is an MBA. I am earning very well; in fact, my income is way above my husband’s salary. I worked very hard and God has rewarded me. When we got married seven years ago, my husband’s pay was more than mine. Although his salary has increased, it is nowhere near to what I earn. My children go to a top notch school in the city and I pay their school expenses. In addition, I spend a considerable amount of money on household expenses too. My husband also contributes, but maintaining the house and cars exhausts his resources. He somehow manages to save every month even though he has a limited amount.

The problem is that my parents think that he is taking advantage of me. They say that running the house is the responsibility of the man. My parents think that he makes me spend my money and saves his. In the beginning, I tried to make them understand that W is not like that, but they kept on telling me to start saving my own money. They think it is important for girls to have money of their own, just in case.

I discussed this issue with W and told him that I wanted to save money from my income as well, so he should contribute more. He suggested removing children from the elite school they are studying in. He said he was saving money for the children only, which he wouldn’t be able to if he contributed more money. He thinks that any normal school would be good for the children and I should think seriously about it. The thing is my friends’ children go to this school and I just cannot withdraw my children like that, as it’s not easy getting admission in this school.

I don’t know what to do, and what to think. I had such a trouble free life. Work was hard, no doubt, but there was no tension between me and W and I used to relax at home with my family. Now, I feel all keyed up and snap at everyone. I love my husband and he loves me. I used to trust him very much, but since my parents moved to my city, I have started having doubts about his intentions. After all, parents only have their children’s interests at heart. May be my parents see things I don’t. I don’t know what to do? I feel messed up and need a solution.

Troubled Taurean

Dear Troubled Taurean,

You are a mature, professional woman, and if you just relax and think it through, you will realise that you don’t have a problem. When you got married, you were earning less than your husband. Was that a problem? Did he make an issue out of it? Then you started doing well and put your children in a school that eats a major chunk of your very good income. Did your husband ask you to put your children in that school? To me, it seems that it was totally your idea. So, if you want something badly, you have to pay through the nose, which is what you are doing.

Your parents are your well wishers, but what they have failed to realise is that you are the one who has raised the expenditures. Even a normal private school is a drain on the financial resources of a family, so what you are spending must be a lot. You or your parents should not expect W to go beyond his means. Your husband is fine with a normal school, but you are the one who chose this elite school for them. Why is W expected to spend more than he can manage and then be blamed for making you spend your money?

Explain to your parents that maintaining a certain lifestyle in today’s tough times is not a joke, and since you are the one who wants it, you have to do your bit. You have stated that the problem only arose after your parents shifted to your city. Think about this: you trusted your husband and had no problem at all. Your parents, on the other hand, only saw that your money is being spent and drew their own conclusion. They feel that a husband has the responsibility to run the house. But then isn’t it the wife’s responsibility to make do with the husband’s income? Things are different nowadays. Cost of living is such that women are now actively supplementing the household income to live a comfortable life. So, you should explain to them how things are, and stop creating problems for yourself and your husband. Good luck!