Letters

 Dear Professor,

I am a thirty-year-old working mom. I have two children, an eight-year-old son and a six-year-old daughter. I live in a joint family set up. Two married brothers-in-law of mine are older than my husband, and my sister-in-law is the youngest among his siblings. She is married and has three children, and is mostly found in our house. The house is quite big, but it is too crowded, as my brothers-in-law have five sons and three daughters. When the entire family is home on holidays, the place looks like a zoo. All you can hear is children fighting and screaming on the top of their lungs. These fights sometimes become so bad that parents become involved and you can imagine the result. All past sins of different family members are resurrected and the house turns into a battlefield. But my in-laws are strange people. After abusing each other soundly, they make up as if nothing had happened. The thing is I am not used to these rowdy squabbles. My family is small, just my elder brother and I. We never had such fights and it was always peaceful at my parents’ place. Even after a decade, these fights and especially the mudslinging competitions upset me. It’s my children I am worried about. I cannot keep them away from their cousins all the time and they are learning some bad stuff. I asked my husband to separate from his family, but he does not want it. He has a good job and money is not a problem, but he says that his parents are alive, he would not split. I don’t want to pray for the death of my parents-in-law, but they are in their sixties and in good health. So, by the time they will pass away, my children will have grown up. I feel frustrated because my husband does not listen to my entreaties and my children are not growing up the way I want them to. I don’t want my children to play with their cousins. What can I do to ensure that my children grow up as decent human beings instead of the fighting machines they have started turning into?

Frustrated Mom

Dear Frustrated Mom,

Living in a joint family can be problematic, especially where children are concerned. Since your husband is not willing to split from his parents, you need to do what’s best for your children in that house only. It’s not possible to keep your children away from their cousins unless you want to go to war with your in-laws and husband. Even then you will end up losing. What you can do is, keep an eye on the children and supervise them when they play. If your children do something you consider unsuitable, ground them, or give them ‘time out’. Make a schedule for your children and see that they adhere to the timings you set for them to play, study or watch TV. Also, make your children take up a sport or some activity which could keep them away from home in the evening. You will have to sacrifice some of your ‘me time’ to supervise your children’s activities, but the result will more than make up for it. Good luck!