Letters

Dear Nadine,

I am a 55-year-old banker. I am married and have three children: two daughters, both married and a son who is a 20-year-old university student. He is studying engineering. My problem is related to my son, who is his mother’s favourite. My daughters were well-brought up by my wife. They are both amazing - did well in academics and after getting married are doing wonderful jobs. Their in-laws praise them, as they have the sweetest temperament. Unfortunately, my wife did not bring up our only son the same way. She panders to his every whim and now he has become so stubborn that he wants everything his way. He was a good student at school and college; I supervised his studies myself, but now that he is in university, he is losing his interest in studies and his GP has not been good at all. On top of it, my wife defends his lack of interest in studies. She thinks it’s his teachers who are against him and give him bad grades because they are jealous of his good looks and brilliance. She justifies his going out with friends all the time by claiming that all kids of his age do it. I am very upset because I know how fierce the competition for job is nowadays. Even position holders struggle to get a decent job. My wife doesn’t realize it and whenever I try to talk to our son, she somehow steers us away from the topic. I have to work long hours and by the time I return from work, I am too tired and don’t feel myself up for the task of having an argument with my wife. I have tried to explain to her that what she’s doing is only damaging our son’s future, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. Do you have a suggestion for me?

Distressed Father

Dear Distressed Father,

Some women tend to indulge in their male children a lot, especially if they have daughters who are older than the sons. Unfortunately, they end up spoiling their sons and creating problems for them despite their best intentions. Since your wife has done a good job with your daughters, she is a good, sensible mother. It’s her partiality for your son that is the problem. You have to give your son more time, as the male company and guidance he needs is something only you can provide. Bankers work for long hours, but on weekend you must create time for your son, as he really needs it. Plan an activity on your holiday that requires you both to go out without your wife. For instance, take a membership at some club where you can play tennis or go swimming. Make him do some tasks that are usually allocated to boys in the family like getting the car serviced, or something else. Try to just have fun with him instead of moralizing initially, till he is comfortable talking to you when you go out with him alone. After you have achieved a good rapport, speak to him about studies and their importance in carving out a good future. Explain to him that you were able to give him everything because you had good education and were hard working, and he would have to work hard at studies to provide his family a secure future. Since he is a good student, he will make up for his slackness if you are able to motivate him. Try to talk to your wife also, and get your daughters onboard so they can also help in stopping their mother from mollycoddling him. Good luck!