Letters

Dear Nadine Khan,

My wife recently took divorce from me even though I did everything to stop it. I offered her more than 30 million rupees, but she refused to live with me. My wife and I got married five years back. It was an arranged marriage. Her family was not well off, but we were. She was a good wife, religious and pious. She respected my parents, and they adored her. However, I was a bit short-tempered. Sometimes I would get angry and say something that I should never have said, but I would usually apologize later. I took my ex-wife to so many places around the world. Anyway, after one year, God blessed us with a son. There were couple of issues between us; she used to work, but never spent on anything on the house. She used to hide all her money from me, and she avoided any kind of physical intimacy. My parents told me never to ask her where she spends her money or what she does with it. After four years, my brother, who is head of the department in the company he works for, gave her a job in his office, with a better salary package. Four months after that, she applied for divorce. The case dragged on for a year. My parents tried to make her change her mind, the court appointed arbitrators to stop the divorce, but she went ahead and got her wish. She got custody of my son also as per the laws of this country.

Now as per the court order I see my son for two days a week over the weekend. My ex, if she marries again, will lose my son’s custody. I doubt she will marry again as she is already 34 years old and it’s difficult in our culture for a divorcee with a child to find a good suitor. I am happy that I did whatever I could to stop the divorce. When my son grows up he will also realize it. I still have all the email and the messages that I sent to my ex and I will show them to him when he is old enough to understand. My mother wants me to re-marry, but I am afraid I might not be able to do justice to my second wife due to my commitments with my son. I don’t want to be unfair to the second wife.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

A responsible, pious and religious working woman who is adored by her parents-in-law, and has a son does not go for divorce if she can avoid it. If she took such a serious action, she must have had a good reason. Perhaps, when you term yourself ‘a bit short-tempered’, you understate the case. You seem to be irked at the fact that she did not spend any money on the house, but you have also stated that you are quite well-off. So, she did not need to spend any money earned by herself on the house. According to the religious edicts, a man has no right over the money of his wife, while a woman has rights over her husband’s money. Besides, you also claim you offered her more than Rs30million to stay with you! Had she been a greedy woman she might have considered the - very insulting - offer. Especially a working woman with a son. Money cannot buy happiness, a lesson that you will do well to remember when you re-marry.

Then you seem to think that you were bestowing a favour on her when you took her to so many places in the world. Well, did she ask you to do that, or did you do that because you wanted it? And, just because you were magnanimous enough to show her the world, was she supposed to put up with your ‘short-temper’ forever? Then you accuse her of avoiding intimacy, yet you have a four-year-old son. Could it be that this aspect of marriage was abhorrent to her because you were too excessive in your needs?

Finally, you show your worse side when you claim that she would not re-marry because in our culture a 34-year-old woman with a son has no prospects. Things are changing even in our culture, and divorcees are not shunned as they used to be previously. I have come across many divorced women living a happy married life with their second husbands. Besides, you don’t live in Pakistan, so when you talk about divorcees and our culture, you are not totally right! And, you show your worst side when you admit you have saved all your mails to poison your son’s mind against his mother. There are always two sides to a coin, and your wife might want to enlighten your son about her reasons to opt for divorce.

Consider this: had she been a bad person, your parents wouldn’t have liked her. She did not have any problems with her in-laws, so it must be something in you that made it impossible for her to stay with you. As for your mother’s desire to see you re-married, it is but natural. Full disclosure about your first marriage, the subsequent divorce and the fact that your son visits you on weekends must be made to your prospective bride to avoid any misunderstandings in the future.

You are afraid you would not do justice to your second wife, but that fear can be overcome if you accept her from your heart and treat her with love and consideration. You would do well to keep you temper in check, too. Try to analyse your own mistakes instead of dwelling on your ex’s shortcomings, and you will, hopefully, have a good second marriage. Best of luck!

 

Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com