Letters

Hi Nadine,

I am a 22-year-old girl, in my final year of BS. I am considered quite good looking and many boys tried to fix their interests with me and failed. But, since the past couple of years, I have been in a relationship with ‘N’. We got to know each other well during a group project, and somehow fell in love. He is very serious about me, but he is from a family where children’s fates are decided by their elders. He was engaged to his cousin since her birth, and cannot break this engagement. He says that in his family, engagement is considered as serious as nikah. Now, he wants me to marry him because he says he can well afford to support a wife in the city from his allowance, but he cannot tell his parents about me. According to N, if they come to know about our relationship they will call him back. Had I known about his engagement I would have stopped myself from getting into a relationship with him and promising to marry him. In my defence, two years back I wasn’t as mature as I am now. 

I discussed this issue with a friend who told me to forget N. I told N we were done and it would not do to see each other anymore. But he is so seriously and irrevocably in love with me that he tried to take sleeping pills to end his life because of my refusal. Fortunately, his faithful old servant was there and managed to stop him. I only find out about his attempt when I got a call from this servant, who warned me that N is not emotionally stable and might make another attempt if I don’t resume my relationship with him. I am really confused and afraid, as I don’t want him to die because of my refusal. I know my parents will never say yes to his proposal as long as he is engaged to his cousin, and unless his parents bring his proposal. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Wretched Girl

Dear Wretched Girl,

As you pointed out, you were not very mature when you got into this relationship, but now that you know the pitfalls of marrying him you are under no obligation to uphold your promise. My dear, he should have told you about his engagement and family problems when you became serious about each other. He decided to take advantage of your naivete and waited till you were really hooked.

Now he is pressuring you by holding this threat of committing suicide over your head. You only have the word of his servant that he tried to commit suicide; how can you be sure it was not a ploy to get you back? Don’t pay any attention to such empty threats. He does not mean it one bit and you are under no obligation to continue your relationship. My dear, why didn’t this faithful servant inform his parents about this abortive suicide attempt? Anyway, a man with suicidal tendencies is not stable emotionally and should be given professional help. He should not get married until his psychiatrist gives him a clean bill of health. Ask his servant to inform his parents so they can consult a competent psychiatrist i.e., if he actually did try to take pills.

Forget this guy who does not have the courage to tell his parents about you. Your parents wouldn’t entertain his proposal and why should they? You are young, educated and good looking. Why should you settle for a man who cannot acknowledge this relationship in front of his family? What respect would you get from your family and society if you contract such a marriage? It is not easy to cut loose deep ties but you must do it to avoid unhappiness in future. Good luck!

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You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at

nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com