I am especially afraid of having a daughter. What if I unintentionally treat her the way I was treated?
I am scared of getting married
Dear Guru,
I am a 22-year-old girl. I live in a joint family where my grandmother holds the highest authority. My father adores her deeply and has essentially handed over the responsibility of raising us to his mother. My father believes that my mother is not capable of managing the household or raising the children properly. That is something that has been deeply ingrained in him by his own mother over the years. He believes his mother rather than forming his own opinion based on his own observation. Instead of supporting or encouraging my mother, he has allowed his mother’s judgments to shape his attitude, which has only further weakened my mother’s position in the family. Unfortunately, my mother, who lives in constant fear of both my father and grandmother, never stood up for me or my siblings when we needed her protection. Growing up, my grandmother was extremely strict and often harsh with us. Being the eldest among my siblings, she would frequently single me out and make an example of me by punishing me in front of the others. Her punishments were not only severe but deeply humiliating, leaving my younger siblings too frightened to even behave like normal children in her presence — they wouldn’t dare play in the living room or watch television if she was around.
As a girl, I was expected to shoulder all the household chores, especially kitchen work. However, whenever my father saw me in the kitchen while my brothers were studying, he would scold me for not focusing on my studies — unaware that it was his own mother who kept me away from my books. She never once told him the truth, nor did she support my education. In contrast, she arranged private tutors for my brothers when they needed help, but I was expected to manage on my own. Despite all this, I managed to complete my graduation, and I consider that a significant achievement given the odds. My grandmother has arranged my marriage to my paternal uncle’s son, W, who I’ve known since childhood. He’s a kind and decent man, and his parents – my uncle and aunt – are loving and supportive. I feel that getting me engaged to W is perhaps the only right thing my grandmother has done for me.
Still, I am scared. The thought of marriage and especially having children makes me anxious. I worry that I might not know how to be a good mother because I never experienced what a safe, nurturing upbringing feels like. I am especially afraid of having a daughter. What if I unintentionally treat her the way I was treated?
Frightened Girl
Dear Frightened Girl,
What you’ve endured is truly heartbreaking, and yet, despite the pain and hardship, you managed to complete your graduation, a remarkable achievement that speaks volumes about your strength, resilience and determination. Your fears about the future, particularly about marriage and motherhood, are completely valid. It’s only natural to feel anxious when your own childhood lacked the love, security and care every child deserves. Your mother should have protected you from your grandmother’s cruelty and stood up for your wellbeing. That absence of protection left a deep wound, but your ability to reflect on your past with such honesty and sensitivity shows how deeply you care, and that is a powerful beginning.
You are not your grandmother. You are not destined to follow the same path. The fact that you are so aware of the pain you experienced and are determined not to pass it on already means you are breaking the cycle. So often, people who suffer abuse unconsciously repeat what they went through. But in your case, the opposite has happened – instead of hardening, you’ve become more compassionate, thoughtful, and self-aware. That alone is proof that you are too conscientious and kind to ever intentionally harm your future children.
Before your marriage, try to have an open conversation with your fiancé about your concerns. If he is as gentle and understanding as you believe, he will listen and reassure you. A strong marriage is built on trust, empathy, and communication, and sharing your fears can strengthen the bond between you. It’s also comforting to know that his family sounds supportive and emotionally stable – this new environment may provide the sense of normalcy and warmth you’ve longed for. Most importantly, don’t let fear overshadow your life. You have already shown extraordinary courage in circumstances that would have broken and traumatised many. With continued self-awareness, love and support, you can create a safe, nurturing home, not just for yourself, but for your future children. Be kind to yourself. Allow room for mistakes and growth. When the time comes, strive to treat your children equally. Any child would be fortunate to have a mother who cares as deeply and tries as sincerely as you do. And I truly believe you will do beautifully.
Good luck!
Kindly send your problems at: us.mag@thenews.com.pk
