COMIC RELIEF

• Jimmy Fallon (@jimmyfallon): 2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate!? Not odd numbers, apparently.
• Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats): Me: “Ugh I hate people.”

Also me: “Why doesn’t anybody like me?”

• Alfie (@alfienxo): “YoU’re AlwAyS tHe FiRst To LeEve wOrk”

God forbid I act my wage.

• Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO): I lost my notebook with all my most important work. If you find it, please finish colouring Ariel's hair.
• Neil Renic (@NC_Renic): After typing out a nice paragraph be sure to reward yourself with a brief break of several weeks.
• Amanda (@jailedamanda): “What’s the song of the summer??” It’s ‘Dancing in the Dark’ by Bruce Springsteen for the 41st year in a row.
• Mo Mohler (@MoMohler): They need to quit remaking good movies and start remaking bad movies. I wanna see Air Bud with a $900 million dollar budget, where he’s coached by Daniel Day Lewis.
• Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais): Interior design tip: Always make sure your cushions bring out the natural beauty of your cat’s eyes.

Laugh Lines

The memorial

A woman’s husband dies, and she finds out that he has left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is absolutely nothing left of the money.

“How can that be?” her friend asks.

The widow replies, “Well, the funeral cost $6,500, I made a $500 donation to a local charity, and I spent another $500 for the wake. The rest went toward the memorial stone.”

“The memorial stone cost $22,500?!” her friend exclaims. “How big is it?!”

“Four and a half carats,” replies the widow.

POINTS TO PONDER

“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.” – Jarod Kintz