Brendan May (@bmay): I really wouldn’t criticise Kate Middleton too much - Prince Andrew sometimes edits photographs to include people he’s never even met....
* Brendan May (@bmay): I really wouldn’t criticise Kate Middleton too much - Prince Andrew sometimes edits photographs to include people he’s never even met.
* Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack): Best thing about the Oscars tonight is that, afterwards, everybody stops talking about the Oscars for a year.
We good? We done?
* Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl): Entering my white boy era: confidently applying for jobs I’m unqualified for.
If I applied for a job with you recently, this is a joke and nothing more, I am extremely qualified and you should absolutely hire me, my greatest weakness is my perfectionism etc etc etc.
* Greg (@greg16676935420): BREAKING: Apple has cancelled plans to make a car after realizing it would require windows.
* Elon Musk (@elonmusk): Put “Never Went to Therapy” on my gravestone.
Laugh lines
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.”
“So, everyone knows that he was the first president,” Johnny replied.
“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put ‘Abraham Lincoln’ and so did you.”
“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.
“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”
“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” – Will Rogers
