COMIC RELIEF

• Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings): Coming back to Twitter after Threads feels like texting a toxic ex-boyfriend just for the adrenaline.

• Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt): How soon ‘til one of these bored-ass billionaires decides they’re a crime fighter, puts on a costume, and starts beating up poor people? I mean, that’s next, right?

• Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack): One of the things I like best about being in Europe is that when [you] think you hear fireworks, it’s fireworks.

• Claudia Lamb (@ClaudiaLamb): Jonah Hill’s texts are a Rorschach test for cis-het women to use on potential male partners.

If My Dude agrees with Jonah Hill? Run - do not walk - to the nearest exit. You should be moving so fast you leave skid marks and smoke.

Points to ponder

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” – Ellen DeGeneres

Laugh lines Creationism or evolution?

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question, and she told him, “We were monkeys, then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”