Letters

Dear Nadine Khan,

I am a 31-year-old guy with a very good job. A couple of years back, I met an intern, N, at workplace and fell in love with her. We both belong to conservative families, but my family is more educated and therefore more enlightened. I spoke to my parents about N, and they did not object to my choice. Unfortunately, her family is very rigid and that’s why they would never accept my proposal. So, she gave me the option of court marriage. I refused right away, and told her to gather her courage and discuss the issue with her family and let me send my proposal for her. She talked to her father but he did not agree and refused to meet our family. He told N that she must forget me and accept the proposal of his friend’s son. She told me that it was not possible for her to think of anyone else and asked me to marry her in court, or she would commit suicide. I agreed and we got married without the permission of her parents. We decided to apply for a foreign country visa, so we could leave the country and start afresh somewhere without the fear of her family. To date, I have not been able to get a job abroad. Due to this situation, we are both on edge all the time and fight a lot. My parents know about our nikah and the girl also talks to my mother and sisters occasionally. My parents want me to convince her to talk to her parents and solemnise the marriage in a traditional way, as both the families are respected in our community and this act can damage our reputation to a great extent. I have tried to convince her but she gets angry and threatens to commit suicide. She says that she knows her parents and that they will kill her but never agree to this proposal. I have become sandwiched between N and my parents, and don’t quite know what to do. I hope you can help me come up with a solution.

Perplexed Man

Dear Perplexed Man,

You are indeed in a coil and unfortunately I don’t see any easy way out for you. Even if you get a job abroad, would you be able to run away and never look back? Your parents and her parents belong to the same community, so if you do anything outrageous, it may affect your family members adversely. So, flight should be your last resort, and you should concentrate on persuading her family to accept you. When the girl says her parents won’t agree, you have to give her the benefit of knowing how her parents would behave. But, to resolve the issue, her parents must be told about the situation. Is it possible for your parents to involve the elders of your community and request them to help out? She says her parents would kill her, and that is something which should be brought to the notice of the influential members of your community so the parents cannot do something outrageous when they find out about the court marriage. It’s difficult to predict their reaction. They may succumb to the pressure of the community elders and accept your match, or just have a rukhsati done and then sever ties with N. But, unless you talk to her family, things will not change and your relationship with her will probably become so bitter that you just might end up having a secret divorce. So, consider all your options carefully and ask your parents to help you come to a decision. Good luck!

Problems that need a solution?

You can e-mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, c/o Editor ‘You!’

magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building

(4th Floor) I.I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi.