Letters

Dear Nadine,

I am a 38-year-old married woman, and I have three kids. My husband is a good man and is usually very considerate and helpful. He is generous and money is not a problem. He is a loving person as far as my children and I am concerned. The problem is that he does not get along with my parents. When my mother-in-law was alive, she didn’t let him visit my parents except on occasions like Eid. She had a lot of influence over him, and was very possessive. Once she saw him laughing at something my mother said, she was furious with him. She said he should realize that he is the ‘damaad’ of the family, and should not be treated casually. As a result, my husband was always very formal around my family. Even after my mother-in-law’s death last year, he behaves the same way, as after 27 years this behaviour has become his habit. On Eid this time, my husband and my parents had an argument about some political issue. My husband is very passionate about his beliefs and he did not like the fact that my parents support someone he doesn’t like. I know my parents should have avoided the argument but the damage is done. My husband told me that he would not visit my parents anymore, because they don’t respect him. I told my parents about this issue and they tried to talk to him, but he was reserved and said that he knows where he stands with them. My parents also did not try hard. They say that they cannot take it anymore. This situation has made me very upset and angry. I told my parents that they should treat my husband courteously, but they say he is disrespectful. I am sick of this situation and want things to become better between my parents and my husband, but I don’t know how to go about it. I don’t feel right when I go alone to my parents’ house. Please help me tackle this situation.

Hurt and Angry

Dear Hurt and Angry,

You are literally between a rock and a hard place, but it seems like you wish your parents to forget their pride and humble themselves in front of your husband. Why should your parents not be entitled to have their own political views? Your husband’s behaviour was churlish. Being a son-in-law does not give him the license to insult your parents. Your parents are older than him and are his parents-in-law, so he is the one who should respect them. Now you have two options: one, maintain the status quo. Go visit your parents alone. You have been doing it all this time, and now that your mother-in-law is not there anymore, you want things to change, but maybe you should give it a bit more time. The second option is to have a serious discussion with your husband. Make him realise that he should treat your parents with respect in the same way I am sure you had treated his mother. Your parents are old people and one ends to ignore certain things when dealing with senior citizens. They are your parents, and your duty is not to let them down. How can you ask them to show courtesy to him instead of telling your husband to show respect to your parents? Your parents are totally right, and you must understand their stance. They deserve respect from their children; not lectures about being nice to their rude spouses. Having said that, it’s not a good idea to have discussions on politics within family, as things tend to heat up. Don’t try to rush either your husband or your parents. You preserve your normal behaviour with both the parties and pray to God to make things right. Good luck!