Letters

Nadine Khan,

I am a 24-year-old BS student, and I live with my parents in a joint family set up. My father has two brothers and their sons and daughters who live in the same house. Generally, I have a good relationship with my four female cousins. They are all very beautiful, but I have average looks. I am not fair like them and all family members compare me with my very beautiful cousins including my own mother. This, you can imagine, is very bad for my self-esteem. We share the same features but my complexion is wheatish, and the rishta aunty actually told my mother not to bother her about me till all my four cousins are married. My cousins, who are a little older or about my age get good proposals all the time but their mothers know they have time to wait because their daughters are so beautiful.

Recently, a couple came to see the daughter of my elder uncle with their son through some rishta aunty. My cousin went to a salon to get her hair and makeup done. She is naturally pretty, but she looked stunning after the makeup. My uncle and aunt were very excited because the guy is well-educated and the family is very rich. My other cousins were told to stay away from the drawing because they are beautiful, too. I have just average looks so my aunt did not consider me a threat and told me to help out with serving tea to the guests.

My cousin sat with this family and they talked with her nicely but the next day when they called, they asked for my hand in marriage. Their son told his parents that he liked me better than my beautiful cousin.

My aunt was very angry and told my parents to refuse the proposal. My mother thinks the proposal is good and we should accept it, but my father is shaky. He says if we accept the proposal, his brother would sever ties with us, and since his parents also are more attached to his elder brother, they would also side with him. My father says accepting the proposal would create a rift in the family, which is true. Nadine, my cousin is very beautiful and she gets at least three to four proposals every month, but this is the first time someone has shown interest in me. The family is very decent and educated, and I think I will not get another proposal like this. I want my father to accept the proposal but don’t know how to convince him. Any suggestions?

Girl in a Fix

Dear Girl in a Fix,

Your aunt’s anger is understandable, but hopefully she will cool down soon. These things happen very often; people come to see a particular girl but like her sister or cousin better, and that is why your aunt made your cousins stay away. However, your father is also right; accepting the proposal outright meant for his niece would hurt his brother and sister-in-law, and since they are the aggrieved, party the other family members would side with them.

The only way to handle this situation amicably is for your grandparents to take up the matter with your aunt and uncle. They should explain to them that good proposals are not easy to come by, and their daughter is so beautiful that getting a good proposal for her is just a matter of time. The key to solving this issue is the role of your grandparents, and only your father can talk to them and convince them. He should also speak to his other brother and try to persuade him to talk to your uncle. My dear, if your uncle and aunt still don’t relent, it’s your parents right to do what they think is best for you. Since your parents will have already spoken to other important family members, hopefully your family will not be too disturbed. Having said that, don’t underestimate yourself. Just because you are not as fair as your cousins doesn’t mean you are not beautiful or won’t get another good proposal. Pray to Allah to do what is best for you. Good luck!