XWit

COMIC RELIEF

Mr.Carter (@dexteristwisted): I’m a multitasker...I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time.

Lee Goff (@LeeGoffIII): Sometimes I think ironing boards are really surf boards that never realized their dream and that's sad.

Meghan (@deloisivete): My kids and their friends are downstairs chanting “6-7 6-7 6-7” and now I'm scared to interrupt some Gen Alpha ritual.

sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy): The real secret to a lasting marriage? Never be in a bad mood on the same day. Rotate your emotional meltdowns like responsible adults.

EmoG (@gmanwashere927): If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.

Granite Man (@GraniteDhuine): If loving cheese is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Functionally Feral (@FeralFerrell): Sure you could go to sleep…or you could stay up sending snapchats of yourself as a potato. You make your choices, I’ll make mine.

Natalie Would (@_NatalieWould): If you think Twitter is bad wait till you hear about real life.

Laugh lines

THE TIP

A businessman arrives at a hotel and asks the bellhop, “What's the biggest tip you’ve ever gotten, son?”

“$10, sir,” the bellhop answers.

The man gives the bellhop $20 and says, “Next time you get asked that, you tell them it was $20 and that I gave it to you.”

“Thanks!” the bellhop says.

“Who gave you the $10?” the man asks.

“You did last month,” the bellhop replies.

POINTS TO PONDER

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” – George Carlin