COMIC RELIEF

Xwit

• Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy): Just witnessed a guy throwing away a Sausage Egg McMuffin wrapper that still had some cheese on it and all I could think was: “Sir, what’s it like to be a millionaire?”
• Bob Golen (@BobGolen): My dental health plan is chew on the other side.
• Lionella (@x_zaich): I once went on a date with a microbiologist. He was a lot bigger than I imagined.
• Bob Golen (@BobGolen): Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
• Neil Renic (@NC_Renic): Don't exercise for vanity or external validation. Exercise so you can safely consume unnatural volumes of Italian food.
• Katie D (@KatieDeal99): My hobbies include finding things I like online, checking the price, checking my bank account, and crying.
• Buddawiggi (@MarkBuckawicki): Imagine being so desperate for connection that you post on social media.
• Gem (@gxmxxchxx): Sweetie, being popular on here isn’t a compliment, it’s more like a diagnosis.

Laugh Lines

The lumberjack

A scrawny little guy walks into the office of a lumber camp looking for a job. The boss looks him over and says, "Get the hell out of here. Our axes weigh more than you do." The guy begs and pleads with the boss and says he can show him he's worth hiring.

Both men go outside and the boss points to a little tree and says, "Alright. Let’s see you chop that down." The little dude swings the axe twice and down the tree goes.

The boss says, "That's fine. Now see that one?” he points towards a much bigger, stouter tree. “Let’s see if you can chop THAT one down.” So the little guy picks up the axe and ten chops later the tree falls.

The boss exclaims, "That's amazing!! Where did you learn to do that??"

The little guy replies, "The Sahara Forest."

Confused, the boss asked, "Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"

The little guy shrugs his shoulders. “Sure,” he says, “it is now”.

POINTS TO PONDER

“Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.” – Bill Murray